God doesn't make trash

I don't often post twice in one day, but who can restrain God? *smile*

For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no man may boast before God. But by His doing you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption, so that just as it is written, “Let Him who boasts, boast in the Lord.” – 1 Corinthians 1:26-31

This verse has been on my heart. I’ve really been wrestling with my self esteem lately. I’ve heard so many people, (especially lately,) tell me that God doesn’t make trash. I have found many ways of still convincing myself that I am indeed trash. God has spoke to me a lot lately about belonging, about my calling and His pursuit of me. He has told me how He loves me. These are all things I struggle to understand.

It was then that God brought this scripture to mind. He reminded me of who I used to be before I met Him, and how he has truly refined me, even redeemed parts of my life which were seemingly unredeemable. He brought me back to think of my testimony. He reminded me of the power in it, the way it shows His mighty power. It shows that I really had no part in it, apart of allowing Him to do His work, but even He brought me to that place where I could allow Him.

He brought me back to the moments when I shared my testimony, to street kids back in Canada, to a friend out on the west coast, to random strangers around a campfire in Hawaii, to churches in Indonesia, to strangers on planes and airport terminals, etc. He brought me back to see their faces, their eyes, their tears even. Not because of me, but because of Him. He brought me to a point where I could see the impact on their hearts, of people asking Him into their lives, surrendering to Him.

I look at myself and all I see is weakness, all I see is brokenness. God looks at me and all He sees is opportunity, beauty, and redemption. God doesn’t see fault in me at all. He sees me on this great road to being fully redeemed in Him. He sees me not at the beginning, or standing in the middle, or strolling along; He sees me at the end, in His arms. No matter where I am in the road, He still sees me in the same place: with Him.

God is using my weakness; He is using my faults to cleanse others. None of us are righteous, not even one of us. We are all in desperate need of Him. We are all broken: we are all weak and lowly. God didn’t make a mistake in me. No, God made me exactly as He needed me for His ministry. God made me to walk this path of brokenness, of weakness. He made me to learn, to grow, so that on the way to redemption I could meet with and walk with others. He made me this way so that I could walk with my brothers and sisters as we cross paths at different points on our walk. He made me to encourage and to be encouraged.

God made me so that He could be glorified through me. The glory is not in my perfection: the glory is in His redemption!

You did not choose me, I chose you!

You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. - John 15:16

You know, when I look back on my walk using my fleshly eyes, I remember the moment I chose to walk with God. I remember it as being my choice, my pursuit of knowledge, of understanding, my quest for faith, but that is so far from what it was.

As I look back further, before that moment, I see the true pursuit, not when I pursued him, but when He pursued me! God, the one who created everything, fell in love with me and chased me until I was ready to turn my face to Him. He chased me into all the dark holes in my life, when I felt so far from any loving God. He chased me through my years of questions, of even anger at Him, He chased me there. Finally, He found me on my knees. I realized I couldn't run anymore, and He picked me up. He held me close.

From the moment I accepted Him into my heart, it felt like home. Everything made a little more sense. It was... home. It wasn't uncomfortable. It wasn't weird. It was a time of questions, of course. Although I had more questions than answers, some how it felt like I had finally found the answer to all of my questions.

For the first time in my life I had found what I was searching for; I found "home".

When I get really upset now, when I feel broken, scared, vulnerable, I cry out, I scream out in my heart, "I want to go home!" Home, to me, is not a place. No city, no community, no family is "home" to me. I've never really understood what "home" is to me, until today when I asked God to show me. Sometimes I think it is just the place, the spiritual place of being away from all of this, or maybe it is even death, but I've realized the truth is that "home" is in His arms.

It is there that everything makes sense. It's there that there is peace, passion, acceptance and love. It seems almost dismissive to simply call it passion and love, because it is so much more, yet it is not something mere language can describe apart from saying it is divine.

I've had trouble being in that place lately. I've had trouble resting with Him, curling up in His arms. I've honestly just had trouble surrendering. I've tried with all of my might, like I did for the first 18 years of my life, to make it through all my trials on my own, but I can't. I need to go "home".

In His arms, the storm doesn't stop. The rain still soaks through my skin, the wind still chills me to the bone and the thunder still screams so loud. Yet, somehow, in that place, there is peace within the turmoil. It is in that place that there a sort of peace that truly does surpass understanding. It's not the peace that takes away the storm, or even stops the effects of it, but somehow, in all of the pain and the suffering, you know, somehow you know, that you are safe and there is peace in that. When all else is slipping away, you find yourself there, at "home" and you know in that moment that you could lose everything and that peace would still remain.

God, come find me in that place again. Come find me on my knees. Come find me broken. Come find me now; now that I don't have the strength to run anymore without you. I'm in the place where you found me first. I am searching for you, please come find me here.

I Belong

Jesus answered the one who was telling him and said, "Who is my mother and who are my brothers?" And stretching out His hand toward His disciples, He said, "Behold My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father who is in heaven, he is my brother and sister and mother." -Matt 12:48-50

Innately we all have a desire to belong. Some of us, most of us, find that in family. Those who don't, are left to search. Without a solid foundation, there are certain barriers you will struggle to cross.

All of my life I have been searching for something that I cannot find. I have looked in every hole, under every rock, in every community and family, yet still I come up empty handed and empty hearted. I have searched all my life for a place of love, acceptance and belonging.

I was made differently. I was made unique, without the companionship or support that most have. I've spent my life searching in all the wrong places for all the right things.

I want so badly to be loved. I want so badly to be irreplaceable in someone's life as is a sister or a daughter. I have never known this feeling, this sort of love. I don't mean in a romantic sense, because in many ways, I find that fleeting, but in the genuine love of a brother, a sister, a father, a mother.

The truth is that I will never be that to someone, but to God, I am. The best people are the ones who know their place at the table. Despite what I've always felt, I am at the table. I am created for a divine and beautiful purpose. The truth is that God made me exactly as I am. He could not love me more than He does at this exact moment and He will never love me any less. I am not perfect, but I am in the process of being made perfect.

To God, I'm so priceless that He bought me with the blood of His son. With Him I truly belong. He loves me even more than His own son. I have found what I've been searching for, I belong.

Naked I Came and Naked I Shall Return

Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked I shall return there.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away
Blessed be the name of the Lord -Job 1:21

What a man Job was to be able to say that in the midst of a huge personal struggle, when he watched everything disappear before his eyes. What made him different? What made him special? What made him change his tune later?

In the last couple weeks, I've begun to really understand this passage. I've begun to understand the weight of the personal struggles, and what it really means to have everything stripped away. I've stared at this scripture many times, but I could not speak it. The despair in my heart has been intense.

As I studied Job, I realized that later in the book he seems to have the wrong idea of God's character and his tune and even his mood, his strength, seems far less than what it was. Still he chooses to praise, but only half of his praise and his mood is one of despair. Yes, the despair is real and warranted considering the situation, but how could he, and how can I, move from that position and into one of peace and joy that the scriptures command us to exist in?

With the help of a friend this week, I was able to refocus my attention, off of self and onto the Lord. He kindly pointed me towards a scripture that said it all too well;

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war
according to the flesh, for the weapons of our
warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely
powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We
are destroying speculations and every lofty
thing raised up against the knowledge of God,
and we are taking every thought captive to the
obedience of Christ - 2 Corin 10:3-5

Take every thought captive, what does that mean? Does it mean I don't acknowledge my pain? Of course not! It means that I cry out with all of my being, express my struggles, then move into praise. It means I take captive my thoughts of the temporal and focus them again on the eternal. The best way to battle the physical and emotional trials is to praise the maker, the one who created everything.

Paul asks the Corinthians "What do you have that you did not receive?" That is a question that I needed to ask myself. Is any part of what I have truly mine? No, it is all His. Am I deserving of any part of it, in hope I would say yes, but in truth, I would have to say no. In truth, I deserve death, (For the wages of sin is death... Romans 6:23) No part of what I have is mine.

Does God change when things get hard? Is He suddenly cruel? Does He suddenly favour the wicked? No! Not my God! This was Job's mistake! He forgot, if he had ever known, God's character. He didn't take those thoughts captive.

In Job's defence though, he didn't have the tools that we have today. He didn't have the scriptures or the Holy Spirit to be a guide to him. Praise God that we do! When in doubt, when it feels like all has been stripped away, turn back to the Word of God. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to be your guide.

God has not forgotten me. God will not forsake us! Praise God that He is faithful!


I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. - Phil 4:13

Fresh Salt in Open Wounds

I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. - Galatians 2:20

This is the season of rejection. I received a word last night that this is a season where fresh salt will be poured on old open wounds. The sting is incredible. "Ah, I remember this feeling," my flesh cries out as I wince and coil away. I see it for what it is. I know this cut, I know this wound. I remember all the times it happened. I remember the first scrape and every time I accidentally pealed off the scab before it was healed.

Rejection is something I have dealt with often in my short life. It has taken many different forms in many different settings but the feeling is always the same. Many people respond in anger, but I can't muster up enough strength to be angry. My emotion comes in simple despair and low self worth.

This is rarely the intention of the words or actions of the people that surround us. No one wakes up with the intention of making another angry or causing them despair. (If the previous statement is untrue, allow me to believe it to be true for my own sanity.) Somehow though, all of us have the means to unknowingly cause another to feel as though they are rejected.

Right now, rejection is something that is very much in my face. It is like fresh salt on old open wounds, as said last night. It is starting to force me to face old hurts and even look at why I am feeling the way I am. How do I combat such an ugly feeling?

I'm beginning to learn that rejection is from my misplaced values. My value is being placed in my works sometimes. Am I doing enough to be someone of worth? Am I serving others enough? Am I being selfless? Sometimes, I place my worth even in what other people think. If they consider me to be a good person, if they consider me worthy to receive their love and support, I must be ok. The true is same for the contrasting views. If they don't consider me worthy, or even tolerable, I must be, well, trash.

Where should my value be? Where should my self worth come from? Where should my identity come from? It needs to come from Christ. Gal 2:20. I need to identify myself only with Him. The feeling of rejection is simply me taking my eyes off Christ and sinking into the depths of the sea.

Where are your eyes?

Heart of Stone

Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. - Ezekiel 36:26

Each and every person has dealt with rejection at some point in their lives. For some, it was a deep cutting, obvious, consistent, long lasting, daily pain. For the lucky, it may have occurred only a few times. Nevertheless, we all have dealt with it in our lives.

That thought, that everyone has dealt with rejection, is very new to me. In fact, it was a revelation that came only tonight. Every person, no exceptions, has dealt with rejection. How sad is that?

As a result of rejection, we make decisions. We choose to puff ourselves up with pride sometimes, so that no one will ever cut you down. You don't need anyone! Sometimes, we will close ourselves off. We will refuse to take risks. If you're anything like me, you will avoid the pride thing, consider yourself worthless and attempt to turn your heart to stone. You close yourself off to emotion. You dry up that well of tears and convince yourself that you are fine.

I realized over the last couple weeks that I have, in all honesty, forgotten how to cry. It seems like a relatively simple task, which requires minimal effort, yet somehow, I can't remember how to do it. Now, I never would have thought for a moment that my heart was stone. I mean, come on, I love people. I love to help and serve. I have compassion on all people. I'm not angry or bitter. To say I have a heart of stone seems, well, untrue, to say the least.

Sitting at a bible study tonight, talking about being in touch with our emotions and how our emotions say so much about who we are, I realized that this is indeed something I struggle with. I have indeed closed my heart off to emotion. I won't allow myself to feel the same depths of the pain I experienced in rejection so many years ago and so, my heart became stone.

It seems as though the story should end there, but it doesn't. God has offered to change it back to a heart of flesh. He has offered me the true love and acceptance in Him that is so great that it covers any fleshly rejection. He has offered me a heart that can feel things so much deeper than I had ever felt before.

How do I get it? I simply go to Him, rest in Him and ask Him to soften my hard heart. I ask Him to heal me in those broken places, mend those cracks. I ask for a new heart. I trust Him and believe. My heart will again be new.