Moving day!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. - Seneca

(Believe it or not, a Roman philospher said that before Semisonic did.)

Well, my stuff is packed and I'm ready to go. I'm just waiting for my new roommate to come and get me. It's time to move again. I'm moving back to the city I lived in in January. I'll be living only a couple blocks from where I work in a studio apartment. I'm excited.

I'm not sure if I will have internet there or not. If I don't post for awhile, that's why.

God is doing a lot both in my physical situation, as far as living space, transportation, work and friendships, and also in my heart. I'm seeing God move in amazing ways. I'm going to take some time to post about all of this soon I hope.

Seeking His Face

Six short months ago, I stood before a congregation in a small village on the island of Borneo, without a sermon, I preached. I preached my testimony. I told them what meeting the Lord did to me, how it radically changed my life. I told them how the Lord gave me hope, direction, peace, understanding, etc. I wept. I begged them, with all of my being, with all my tears, to share the gospel and allow the gospel to transform their lives. The passion, the power and the spirit of the Lord was all over me as I felt weak in the knees, weeping and preaching. I knew Him.

The last few months I've been going through a difficult season. I've lost something that I had back then. I can't speak with the same power. I can't weep when I speak of my savior, but why? What has changed? He hasn't. The story hasn't. It is my heart that has changed. It is me. I have changed.

I picked up my old journal today, in attempt to go back, to read the same verses, to evoke those memories and to seek God as I did then. I don't mean in a formulaic sense. I just wanted to get that heart again.

Nothing has changed since then. Even in me, the same spirit exists, the same passion. I'm just not tapping into it right now. My perspective is different now, but that's just a matter of refocusing myself. So what can I do, what should I do to get back to that place of true worship, true reverence? Well, I'm going to search the scriptures, I'm going to choose to worship even when I don't feel like it. I'm going to begin with a thankful heart, choosing to search for things to be thankful for, even when they are less obvious. Most importantly, I'm just going to pray and ask God to give me that heart again, to direct my eyes and show me His face again. I'm simply going to seek His face.

Passion

Something has been missing these last couple months. I've seen it, I've felt it and wow, have I missed it. I wasn't sure what it was. I thought maybe it was purpose, but no, I had purpose, to some degree. I thought it was relationship, and in some smaller way, it was, but that is far less than what I was truly missing. Today, as I sat with my guitar, singing praises to God, I realized what was missing. It was my passion.

I've always had such an incredible passion for God. I simply desired to seek His face, day in and day out. I simply desired to worship. I was on fire for God. Everything I looked at, my friends from my DTS can tell you this, told me of God's greatness. I was constantly existing in a state of awe. (I know, it was most annoying to those around me.)

I remember my first time in the ocean with Jenny, I screamed and nearly cried. I was so much in awe firstly at the creation itself, as I breathed in the salty air, felt the cold water and the crashing waves and secondly, at the fact that I, of all people, had the opportunity to experience it! Wow!! I looked back at the beach and saw the palm trees. Wow! I saw the mountains to the right of me. Wow! This was God.

I walked into the small chapel where we held the lectures and worship times. I looked around me and saw over 30 people my age praising God with all of their hearts. Wow! This is God I thought. As I read the Word during my quiet time, everyday I would go running back to lecture and be on fire to tell everyone exactly what God told me. I wanted to share with them the passion for God. I wanted to tell them of the simple yet profound revelations. I wanted to see their eyes light up like mine were. Everyday, without fail, I ran back with something to share.

Somewhere between now and then, that passion faded. I have moments, but it isn't something I wake up with anymore. What happened? Where did it go? Has God changed? No! Did I change? Maybe. Is this just a season? Could be.

I don't wake up with the same wonder anymore. I don't wake with amazement. I don't take that extra second to thank God in the mornings. My quiet times aren't filled with me singing praises, but more just being quiet, being still.

I want that passion back. I want to burn with passion for the Lord. I want to seek His face and fall at His feet. I want to move in connection with the Lord. I want to praise Him with all of my being! I want to scream out His name and tell the world of His glory! I want to know the Lord like I did back then! I want that passion back!

Lord, grant me eyes to see Your beauty! Grant me eyes to see You in Your awesome creation! Lord, grant me eyes to see You in Your people! Lord, help me to see You in Your Word! Give me back that passion that I had before. Ignite my heart again, God! I want to burn with passion for You! I want to long to be with You! I want to spend every moment aware of You, walking with You, hearing You and feeling You! I'm not satisfied with what I have chosen now! I want more! I want more of You! I want more awareness, more passion, more desire to seek You! Ignite my heart, God! Ignite my heart again!

Praise You in this Storm

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. - James 1:2-4

The last couple months of my life have been incredibly difficult. Everyday has had it's trials. Every moment has been a constant struggle. The trials have not just been outward struggles with the world, but very personal, deep cutting trials of the heart. The last couple months I have been in a fierce battle against depression. I've had moments where I've questioned if life was worth it, and even wondered if there is a God. Moment to moment I've had to refocus myself on God, on the scriptures, on the truth that in those moments I can't see. I've had to have faith to believe in something which seemed so contrary to all I was seeing in front of me.

During my quiet times with the Lord this week and last, I've spent a significant amount of time just journaling. I've been journaling a lot about my hurt, my frustration and even my disappointment. I realized at the different points that I was indeed questioning the character of the God that I love. I doubted even His goodness, His tender heart and His undying love for me.

I found myself writing on the page, "Quit focusing on your emotion". Many times I've looked around me and seen Christians so focused on the emotion that they get from God rather than being focused on God Himself. I hate that! I realized in that moment that that was where I was at. That has been where I've been at for a long time, to a lesser degree, but still there. I've been in this semi-existential walk. My love for God is determined by the success of my dreams, my visions, MY plans.

I heard a song that really impacted my heart called, Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns. It's all about giving God praise even when things are hard. The first verse is what really hit me, it reads:

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away

That perfectly captures the emotion, but also the truth. The emotion is real, it is accurate and warranted, but it is only a small part of the picture. The truth is in the God of the scriptures. If you search the scriptures you will see that God is always in control. Despite how we feel.

Through this season, I've begun to understand what it means to be made complete as is talked about in James 1:2-4. I can't just know God when the sun is shining. God is meeting me in this storm and I'm learning things about Him that I could never learn any other way. He is forcing me to discover that my faith is real. He is showing me the truth in His scriptures and the love in His character despite what the world throws at me. God is molding me, refining me and strengthening my faith.

Though it feels like I'm falling apart, the situation is really quite the opposite. Though the battle is against despair, the truth is the joy. This all-knowing, all-powerful, loving God, who has chosen me to be His own, is completely in control of everything in this world. This same God loves me so deeply that He desires to mold me, to shape me and refine me. He will never leave me. He will never forsake me.

You are who you are, no matter where I am. - Casting Crowns