Preoccupation with Right and Wrong
Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and Learn what this means, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners. - Matthew 9:12-13
Have you ever noticed that we, as Christians, have a preoccupation with right and wrong? We word it many different ways, but in truth, there are acceptable behaviors and unacceptable behaviors. There are places Christians can go, and places they can't. They are words they can say, and should say, "God Bless!", and words they shouldn't say. We speak of "Good Christians" and say little of the rest. I fall into the "rest" category. Most of us do.
I've struggled for the last 3 years to find my place with God again. My relationship with Him feels empty, silent, distant and pointless. I love God no less than I did as I burned with the fire of my new faith when I first met Him. The difference is now perhaps that I know Him more deeply, more intimately and desire to serve Him more than anything. In my desire for service, somehow, I have took a very different direction. I stopped reading, teaching, sharing and even enjoying "fellowship". Why?
It took some self discovery, some significant time, and a few of the exact same epiphanies to get an answer. I have no doubt it's an answer I'll forget and need to hear again. In fact, it's an answer I've heard a thousand times and never taken to heart. Why did I walk away?
I, like many Christians, knew the Bible well. I knew what was acceptable and unacceptable, what was honorable and dishonorable. I knew intimately the call on our lives to be "Christ Ians", representatives of Him in this world. I looked at my life, and my roles in leadership, my desire also to lead and direct and saw my fail points. Being in the spotlight can outline your darkness. It's not fear of humiliation or judgement, (though I've many times blamed the judgement). No, more accurately, it's the fear of tarnishing his image. I don't love God too little to serve Him, I love Him too much.
Yes, I realize how silly this is. God can use anyone, and did, all throughout the Bible, like Moses the murderer and David the adulterer. Despite this knowledge, still I know, inside of myself, that I don't want to screw this up for Him.
Before I was a believer, I looked at Christians and saw their hypocrisy. In fact, I had never been hurt more than I was by self-professed Christians. My greatest fear was, and still is, to become one of those. Despite trying my hardest to be open and honest about my faults, it seems the more I got to know God the more faults I found. Also, the more I got to know Him, the more I got thrust into a spotlight of service, just because I have the passion, and the personality for it. I wanted so deeply to serve Him, but in so many ways, it makes you more noticeable, and your "sins" so clear. I couldn't tarnish His name. One accusation too many and I fell.
I didn't fall far, by His grace, but far enough to remain distant for too long.
I've realized now the cause is not the fact that I'm so far from perfect, nor the fact that people judge, but instead, my entire perception that it matters one bit how perfect I am, or could be.
We, as Christians, talk about "sin" as something "wrong", something distasteful, something shameful. I'm beginning to see sin more as a cancer, an illness, an unhealthiness. A behaviour, a word, whatever, is never just that, it's more. It's a symptom of something else. Sin is breed from all different things, although chosen, choice is sometimes clouded by a whole history of experience. What if we spoke not of "Good Christians" but "healthy" ones? What if we spoke of not "wrong behaviours" but unhealthy? What if we spoke of sin not as something needing to fixed, but needing to be diagnosed? Maybe, we should be doctors rather than judges.
I don't know many people in perfect health. Even the healthiest person gets colds and flues. There aren't "Good Christians" but there are ones without colds.
We need to look at ourselves as Christ does and speak the words He speaks to us. Passing judgement on ourselves is the "devil's work".
Have you ever noticed that we, as Christians, have a preoccupation with right and wrong? We word it many different ways, but in truth, there are acceptable behaviors and unacceptable behaviors. There are places Christians can go, and places they can't. They are words they can say, and should say, "God Bless!", and words they shouldn't say. We speak of "Good Christians" and say little of the rest. I fall into the "rest" category. Most of us do.
I've struggled for the last 3 years to find my place with God again. My relationship with Him feels empty, silent, distant and pointless. I love God no less than I did as I burned with the fire of my new faith when I first met Him. The difference is now perhaps that I know Him more deeply, more intimately and desire to serve Him more than anything. In my desire for service, somehow, I have took a very different direction. I stopped reading, teaching, sharing and even enjoying "fellowship". Why?
It took some self discovery, some significant time, and a few of the exact same epiphanies to get an answer. I have no doubt it's an answer I'll forget and need to hear again. In fact, it's an answer I've heard a thousand times and never taken to heart. Why did I walk away?
I, like many Christians, knew the Bible well. I knew what was acceptable and unacceptable, what was honorable and dishonorable. I knew intimately the call on our lives to be "Christ Ians", representatives of Him in this world. I looked at my life, and my roles in leadership, my desire also to lead and direct and saw my fail points. Being in the spotlight can outline your darkness. It's not fear of humiliation or judgement, (though I've many times blamed the judgement). No, more accurately, it's the fear of tarnishing his image. I don't love God too little to serve Him, I love Him too much.
Yes, I realize how silly this is. God can use anyone, and did, all throughout the Bible, like Moses the murderer and David the adulterer. Despite this knowledge, still I know, inside of myself, that I don't want to screw this up for Him.
Before I was a believer, I looked at Christians and saw their hypocrisy. In fact, I had never been hurt more than I was by self-professed Christians. My greatest fear was, and still is, to become one of those. Despite trying my hardest to be open and honest about my faults, it seems the more I got to know God the more faults I found. Also, the more I got to know Him, the more I got thrust into a spotlight of service, just because I have the passion, and the personality for it. I wanted so deeply to serve Him, but in so many ways, it makes you more noticeable, and your "sins" so clear. I couldn't tarnish His name. One accusation too many and I fell.
I didn't fall far, by His grace, but far enough to remain distant for too long.
I've realized now the cause is not the fact that I'm so far from perfect, nor the fact that people judge, but instead, my entire perception that it matters one bit how perfect I am, or could be.
We, as Christians, talk about "sin" as something "wrong", something distasteful, something shameful. I'm beginning to see sin more as a cancer, an illness, an unhealthiness. A behaviour, a word, whatever, is never just that, it's more. It's a symptom of something else. Sin is breed from all different things, although chosen, choice is sometimes clouded by a whole history of experience. What if we spoke not of "Good Christians" but "healthy" ones? What if we spoke of not "wrong behaviours" but unhealthy? What if we spoke of sin not as something needing to fixed, but needing to be diagnosed? Maybe, we should be doctors rather than judges.
I don't know many people in perfect health. Even the healthiest person gets colds and flues. There aren't "Good Christians" but there are ones without colds.
We need to look at ourselves as Christ does and speak the words He speaks to us. Passing judgement on ourselves is the "devil's work".
posted by Kim McInerney | 1:03 PM
