The Process

My great struggle lately, as recently as today, has been self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect. I feel, to put it simply, that I'm too broken for God. (Yes, silly, I know, but you've felt it too, don't lie.) I find myself slipping a lot, not sinning so much as just not growing. I find myself making stupid mistakes, not speaking when I should and not shutting up when I need to. I find myself searching for friendship and coming up short. I find myself trying to rebuild broken friendships, and unable to mend the messes. I find myself striving to be a better me, yet not moving forward.

I called a friend upset today and she asked if I could drive the hour to come see her tonight. I didn't want to go that far, but I felt like God wanted me to, so I said yes. Sitting in her room we decided to look back on old times, around when we met. She pulled out a picture of me, a picture that was timed and dated in my heart and mind. It was a day set inside a season that I'll never forget, no matter how hard I want to. I saw myself with my struggles painted on. I saw it in every part of me. It was as though every part of me was crying, though I wore a smile.

I stopped and stared at the picture. That was me, back then. It's hard to believe. God has changed me so much. Molded me, refined me. Yeah, I'm still a mess most of the time, but well on my way to being cleaned up. God has brought me a long way from where we first met, Him and I. He's just still working.

God loves me in the middle of the process. He loved me at the beginning and He'll love me at the end. The amount or depth of His love doesn't change or grow according to my growth. He loves me no matter where I stand. Am I a mess? You bet! Am I worthy of His love? Yeah right! Nah, I'm not much at all, but God is and that guy is pretty in love with me.

I don't have a right to stop and think of myself, who I want to be versus who I am. Nah, that's not my concern. I just need to love Him. I just need to serve Him. I just need to honor God in this process He's taking me though. I'm not done and I never will be, but He's there and He loves me in the process.

Forgiveness

I was reflecting the other day on forgivess. As I praying about it, I was really hit by the Godly definition versus our own definition. We say, "I forgive you" but we don't mean it as God does. When God forgives us, He erases the entire act from His mind and heart and restores you, but when we forigve, we let go of the current issue, pack it in the back of our minds so that we can bring it up later.

We all do this at times. We all udder the words, "I forgive you," then quickly add, "...but I'm still upset." God never adds a "but". God simply says I forgive you and I've forgotten. How can God do this? Why can't we as well?

I believe it comes back to surrender. We don't forget because we feel a need to protect ourselves. "If I forget, then how do I prevent it from happening again?" You don't. God never sees a need to protect Himself. He doesn't lack self esteem. He doesn't have fear. He is not lonely. He's God.

How do we come close to this? Forgiving and forgetting, well, at least the forgetting part, isn't an easy thing, perhaps even impossible in some cases. So what do we do instead? We forgive and we focus on God. We take a moment to stop focusing on the hurt, the causes and consequences and we turn our eyes to God. We take a moment to glance at His heart, His love, His grace, His compassion.

I find myself often praying, "God, give me a heart for this person," through gritted teeth and clenched fists. I must say, I don't often receive that heart. But the odd occasion, when I truly want to chase God's heart in forgiveness, I turn to Him and say, "Lord, show me your love. Show me Your compassion, Your grace and Your mercy. Renew in my mind the grace that I have received so that I can also forgive." It is in these times that I "know" the heart of God in my heart. Then, I can forgive.

God's forgiveness is unlike ours because His is focused on a self-less love. Mine is, unfortunately, not quite there. Yes, it is focused on love, but self-less? No, I still protect myself, hide my heart and clench my fists, even as I forgive.

Can we change the way we look at forgiveness? Search your heart as I search mine.