You did not choose me, I chose you!

You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. - John 15:16

You know, when I look back on my walk using my fleshly eyes, I remember the moment I chose to walk with God. I remember it as being my choice, my pursuit of knowledge, of understanding, my quest for faith, but that is so far from what it was.

As I look back further, before that moment, I see the true pursuit, not when I pursued him, but when He pursued me! God, the one who created everything, fell in love with me and chased me until I was ready to turn my face to Him. He chased me into all the dark holes in my life, when I felt so far from any loving God. He chased me through my years of questions, of even anger at Him, He chased me there. Finally, He found me on my knees. I realized I couldn't run anymore, and He picked me up. He held me close.

From the moment I accepted Him into my heart, it felt like home. Everything made a little more sense. It was... home. It wasn't uncomfortable. It wasn't weird. It was a time of questions, of course. Although I had more questions than answers, some how it felt like I had finally found the answer to all of my questions.

For the first time in my life I had found what I was searching for; I found "home".

When I get really upset now, when I feel broken, scared, vulnerable, I cry out, I scream out in my heart, "I want to go home!" Home, to me, is not a place. No city, no community, no family is "home" to me. I've never really understood what "home" is to me, until today when I asked God to show me. Sometimes I think it is just the place, the spiritual place of being away from all of this, or maybe it is even death, but I've realized the truth is that "home" is in His arms.

It is there that everything makes sense. It's there that there is peace, passion, acceptance and love. It seems almost dismissive to simply call it passion and love, because it is so much more, yet it is not something mere language can describe apart from saying it is divine.

I've had trouble being in that place lately. I've had trouble resting with Him, curling up in His arms. I've honestly just had trouble surrendering. I've tried with all of my might, like I did for the first 18 years of my life, to make it through all my trials on my own, but I can't. I need to go "home".

In His arms, the storm doesn't stop. The rain still soaks through my skin, the wind still chills me to the bone and the thunder still screams so loud. Yet, somehow, in that place, there is peace within the turmoil. It is in that place that there a sort of peace that truly does surpass understanding. It's not the peace that takes away the storm, or even stops the effects of it, but somehow, in all of the pain and the suffering, you know, somehow you know, that you are safe and there is peace in that. When all else is slipping away, you find yourself there, at "home" and you know in that moment that you could lose everything and that peace would still remain.

God, come find me in that place again. Come find me on my knees. Come find me broken. Come find me now; now that I don't have the strength to run anymore without you. I'm in the place where you found me first. I am searching for you, please come find me here.