Acquire the Fire

Now, most of you would think I'm going to write about the conference, but to honest, there's not much to say about it. It was a dud. It was like watching a never ending commercial. Yuck. Nevertheless, on the weekend I did acquire the fire. It came not through preaching or worship, but through fellowship and prayer. Allow me to explain.

A friend came to visit from up north for Acquire the Fire, a youth conference. A couple of my friends came and we met up with a couple of his friends as well. It was these relationships that ended up being a catalyst for us each individually. The conference ended rather early on Saturday and feeling slightly "underfilled" we decided we needed more fellowship. We went back to a friend's house and just prayed together.

This was no normal prayer time, but a passionate meeting with God. We sat there, 5 of us, on a friend's bed, huddled in a circle, praying. The Holy Spirit fell on each of us and every one streamed down tears of joy and release. The Lord spoke words to each of us individually, through each other. He said exactly what we needed to hear, to both encourage and radically stimulate our faiths.

The prayer time was perfect. Divine. I felt positively renewed.

And then..

We all know how this story. Satan attacks.

My grandmother died last night and I fell back into a worldly perspective. It seemed like everything was going wrong.

I went out with a friend tonight, just to have some fun and God brought to mind the date. I realized it's been two years today that I was baptized. I started to think back over the last 2 years and compare who I was to who I am and my spirit began to worship.

We hung out and played pool for awhile and then decided to go back to my friend's house and simply watch a movie.

Half way through the movie, my phone rang. It was a friend from Hawaii. She was calling to encourage me in the Lord, knowing nothing of my current struggle. We spoke for almost an hour, maybe more and through her, the Lord spoke everything I needed to hear to put me back in that spiritually renewed place.

I opened my journal to make a couple notes and it opened to the page from Saturday. On that page I had wrote something God spoke to me, before the prayer time, it read, "When you are weary, I'll send my workers."

This is my God.

Dare to Dream

"“Faith looks back and draws courage; hope looks ahead and keeps the desire alive." -The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge


I remember vaguely sitting on a rock on a point that jutted out into the ocean during my time in Maui. I remember, I was sitting alone; I had gone there to sit with God. It was my last few weeks on the island and I was taking time just to thank God for the season He had given me there. In that moment, with my eyes closed, I heard God's voice asking me to simply open my eyes and look around me. I did and I fell into an even deeper praise for Him, thanking Him for considering me worthy to share this paradise with, flirting with the idea that He even created this for the purpose of my enjoyment.

God caught my heart just then and again I heard Him speak. There was no mistaking his voice. He called out to me, with a sort of passion and power that only the Lord could speak. The Lord said,

"Oh, what your eyes will see! This is just the beginning!"

Almost a year has passed since that conversation with God and the pains of life have caused me to push that deeply within myself, almost forgetting the promise entirely. My passion is not gone, but tamed and there's a stillness to me that I have to confess I know to be far less than what God has created me for.

Words of friends, family and the little voice in my head have offered reason to why those dreams need to pass away. I fought it for a time, until I grew too weary and gave in. I admitted to myself that.. perhaps.. I'm holding a breakable promise. I'm allowing desire to be my God.

God cried out again and reminded me, but I ignored it and so as recently as a few months ago, the last of it was silenced. I ignored the promise once more.

Today I was reading a book, The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge, and God showed me again that these dreams are what He gave me. I can never dream bigger than He does. I can never ask too much of Him. He longs to bless me, to take me on the very same adventures that my heart longs for, because that longing was created by Him.

He wants to prepare me for these adventures. He wants me to search my heart, to grow in relationship with Him, to be prepared to go wherever He takes me, but never does He ask me to cease to dream! Yes, my dreams may change and some may pass away as I am refined, but only to make way for greater dreams still. The dreams that the Lord dreams for me are so much larger than the dreams I could ever dream for myself. I submit to that truth and still, I dream.

Don't let your passion fade away. Don't silence it like it is some childish immature bit of you that refuses to submit to reason. God does not move in reason. God is BEYOND reason. God moves in love. Don't let the everyday trials, tribulations and even the routines take from you the very passion that God has instilled in you.

You are created as a passionate being! Run with your passion! Dream with your passion! Dare to dream!

Giving up the Reins

Here I was, God and I, riding in a cart pulled by two giant horses. We're flying through the woods at very high speeds and it's completely out of control. I'm driving and God is beside me. I'm terrified and I can't get the horses to stop. I'm trying as hard as I can, but I can't seem to do it. The more time passes the more out of control the situation gets. I'm trying, I'm trying and I'm trying, but I just can't get the situation under control. God leans over to me, calmly and says, "May I?" I know he can do it, without any effort at all, but I refuse. "No, I need to do this," I say, "I know I can. I just know I can." God just waits. Things get wilder and more desperate, exhausted I hand him the reins and in seconds the situation is calmed. - Adream/vision I had

Well, that pretty much says it all. I want to try. I want to sort it out and God is saying, "Hey, you don't need to. Let me do it." I still want to try, because I feel like "I" need to figure it all out. I feel like I need to be self-sufficent, but no, God says, "Let me take over."

Wow, how humbling it is to say, "I can't." I still want to try. I still want to figure it out. I'm struggling to give up the reins to a God who is so completely in control.

The Reason for my Pain

The battles God calls us to, the woundings and cripplings of soul and body we all receive, cannot simply be ascribed to our sin and foolishness, or even to the sin and foolishness of others. When Jesus and the disciples were on the road one day, they came upon a man who had been blind since birth. "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents?" they asked him. "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." And with that Jesus spat on the ground, made some mud to place on the man's eyes, and healed him (John 9:1-7).

Many of us who are reading these words have not yet received God's healing. The display of God's works through our wounds, losses, and sufferings is yet to be revealed. And so, we groan and we wonder. - The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge (page 61)

Anyone else feel like this? Anyone else look at their hardship and wonder, where was God? Where is God? Or ask the simple, yet profound question, "Why?" "Why me?" "Why here?" "Why now?" I think I have spent a long time asking all the wrong questions. I asked God many times what I did to deserve this or that. Or why such and such a person would do such a crappy thing to me, sometimes reasoning that it's just their own struggles, their own personal sin.

I'm beginning to learn, after many personal trials, struggles, hurts and hardships that God is not doing things to me, but for me. All things are for my good, even the hardship. Is it possible, that like Job, God unleashes darkness on me? Is it possible? Maybe. Is it possible that it's not people hurting me through their indifference or own personal material lusts, but instead lessons from the Big Guy constructed perfectly for me?

Is it possible that all hurt and hardship is for my own good? Possible? Yes. Infact, I think it's the only logical answer. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," is not just an old cliche but this is a tag line for the gospel. If you realize that God is in the business of redemption, which he so clearly is, we can reason that even in our own lives, our hurts are only used for the glory of God. And in the end, so that we can be risen up with Him.

How is God using my recent or even distant hurts for His glory? Often, I couldn't tell you. I do remember the times that I have shared my testimony though. Not MY story, but God's story of my life. It's a story of redemption. It's marked with hardship and hurt, aspects of it which would grab at any heart, but the larger story, the story that ends with God's touch, is one of gentleness, compassion and grace.

No part of the story dims the pain, or removes the scars, but you can see, you can clearly see where God came in my life and when He did when He arrived. The story is not about me; it's about God in me. He redeemed me from being that broken child crying herself to sleep and changed me into a independent, strong, passionate woman. The transformation is God revealing His absolute power and love.

Yes, hardship still remains and still sometimes I find myself postured as that little girl, crying myself to sleep. I find myself still hurting, but I can look back, I can look way back now and see, even in the times of hardship, where God was. I can see what He has done since then, in healing and redeeming those times and I can see Him still working. I can see Him teaching me to have Him and Him alone as the foundation of my life. I can hear him whispering, "Be still."

So, who sinned? What did I do to deserve this or that? Nothing. You're just teaching me. I love to learn, Lord. Sometimes I want to ask You to make the lessons a little more gentle, but I would never remember them with such power if they were any easier to navigate. Thank you for being my strength during hardship. I know that with You, there is nothing I can't face.

Conversations with God

I sat down today to spend some time with the Lord. I needed to wrestle through some fresh hurts and frustrations. I was at a loss for words and every time I went to speak, I had no words to say. Instead, I started to journal. This was meant to be a private conversation, but I don't feel like it should stay that way. This is raw, real emotion, completely unedited. I hope it helps someone through their own trials and tribulations.


I surrender to the new nail in my flesh. I will not fight against it. I certainly won't try to fix what You break or keep what is not mine. I won't look at my heart, but instead at Your redemption. I need nothing but You, my God.

"You can have all the world, just give me Jesus."

God, You are all I need. No social life, no job, no man could ever fill me, yet a single touch from You fills me to overflowing. It is You I long to be with. It is You. I want to sit at Your feet and learn from You. I want to jump into Your arms and be held by You. My desire to be loved is fulfilled in You.

The messages if the world tell me that I'm not enough, but I know that if I were much more, I would be too much. My brokenness is what allowed me to respond to You. My failure reminds me where I need to run. My hurts takes me back to my Healer. My sorrow is defeated by Your joy.

There is nothing I fear when I sit with you, Daddy. There's nothing that can hold me back, or keep me down. Yes Lord, I am being nailed to the cross by the world, being told, "You, Kim, are not enough," but Lord, it is there that I will be resurrected.



"Don't judge your value by your success."

You have a different standard. You are proud of me for never giving up. You have held my broken heart in Your hands. You have seen the broken places. Yet you see me on my last beat, still trying to love. You are proud of that. I never stand down from a fight, instead I run in trying to win for Your Kingdom. You don't care if I ever have a victory, but you are honored in my pursuit. You ask me to be still and I struggle, but I'm learning, Lord, to lie at Your feet.

When you say, "Run!" Lord, I will be on my feet so quickly to place my hand in Yours and run. When you say, "Lie down, be still," I feel like that kid in gym class, belly down, face to the wall, waiting for the blow of a whistle to start a race. All other sounds become strangely silent, as if the whistle is the only sound at all, and I can't hear You, telling me again to lie down, be still. I move my feet a little and place my hands up under my chest, ensuring that I can get up quickly and run. I hear You yell, "Don't cheat!" I lie down once more. A moment later I find myself in the same position, though it's not my desire. Teach me to be still.

Running is so much more fun than resting. Lord, I love to sit at Your feet, but I love much more to run the race with You. There's risk, endurance, strength, training required and opponents to beat. In the stillness, I only wrestle with myself. It seems much less alive.

It is here that I sit on my very own Patmus. I wait for only You know what. I rest and stay still, cheating often. I rest though. I remove, no, I find more and more nails and thorns that have pierced my core, but for them, I find meaning, redemption of the old self and my wounds heal. A season of thorns and wounds, infections and pain, yet also healing and redemption, peace and... dare I say...joy! I want to rest with You, Lord. Teach me to rest.

Note: Patmus is the island the disciple John was exiled to, and also where he received the revelation that is written as the last book of the Bible.