Your Beloved

I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are your works,
And my soul knows it well. - Psalm 139:14

I was talking to God this morning about my "counselling" session from last night. (About some things I agree with and others that I didn't.) One of the things that came up was that I needed to recognize my position in His kingdom, and His love for me. One of my big issues is that I don't have much self worth.

I can give you many reasons why I lack self worth, old words and painful experiences, but, as was pointed out last night, only one reason truly stands; God's enemy is trying to keep me from believing that I am His beloved.

"The worst thing you can do to a son of a king, is convince him that he is not a son of a king"-Unknown

As I prayed this morning, I asked God to show me that I'm His beloved, to give me something, more than scripture, that I can reference each day to show me God's love for me. I asked God to show me that I'm special in His kingdom.

I looked down at my wrist. On my wrist, for over a year now, I have been wearing a blue ribbon. I took it off a card that was given to me on my 20th birthday. This was a day that will forever stand out in memory. My whole community in Paia, Maui celebrated my birthday with me. The celebration went from 5am until well past curfew. This is something that isn't done for everyone, in fact, the nature of living in such a large community is that most birthdays get forgotten. For that day I was significant.

Now, since a year has past and I'm no longer living there, many of those friends are no longer a part of my life. Most I will never see again and only a few do I still speak to. I wrote off that day, simply as being a moment passed. Looking back today I see it more clearly than I ever had.

That day was not those people saying "Hey, let's celebrate Kim." Instead, it was God saying it. It was God putting it on the hearts of a community. It was God directing their steps. It was God saying to me, "My Love, you ARE significant to Me. No matter where you are, what you are doing, who you are with, I will show you the depth of My love."

I am His beloved. He has chosen me. He has plucked me from my past and redeemed me.

God, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. No matter how much I doubt myself, or how much the world tells me otherwise, I know, in the bottom of my heart, that You did a good work and that You are continuing to do the same. I know that You made no mistake in my creation. I know that You are proud of me, Dad. I feel Your smile. I know that You love me.

I don't understand Your love, God. I don't feel deserving of it. I don't know why You have chosen me. I doubt I will ever fully grasp it, but I am forever thankful to be called Yours. I am Your beloved.

The walls that built my prison

I sat down last night with one of my closest friends to catch up on life. We ended up talking about our struggles and soon realized that our current struggles are much the same. I was comforted to hear that a friend is sharing the same trail and I was encouraged to hear the pursuit to overcome it. I realized that I needed to share publicly this trial, because many others are likely going through the same thing.

My walls, the walls I built to protect myself have become a prison, complete with iron gates and I forgot to make a key.

The last year of my life, as I have said before, has been very difficult. I've been hurt by a lot of people, in a lot of different ways and all of them, every single one, was a brother or sister in Christ. The wounds cut deep, even taking me back to earlier hurts. As a result, I closed up. I stopped letting people into my heart. I started to think my way through my relationship, instead of feeling it. I started to operate in a reason manner, rather than emotional. In essence, I stopped feeling entirely, in the contexts of relationship.

Now, this, of course, was not intentional, but rather an unconscious survival mode. Nevertheless, this is where I stand now. I have unknowingly created walls to protect myself and these walls have trapped me in, making authentic relationship nearly impossible. How do you get out when you don't know how you got in?

I was praying and looking through my journal and I started to realize something.

The last year has been a tough, tough road. I stepped on rocks and sticks that cut into my flesh and left wounds. The miles that I put on, even on soft soil, would wear the skin right off. The road now is gentle grass covered path, but my raw and wounded feet know no different. Still every step is against a wound. I realized in that moment that like this my feet will never heal. I need to stop walking. I need to sit down, clean out the dirt and allow the skin to grow over and cover the wounds. There may be scars in the end, but I will be well to walk once more.

A broken heart can only offer broken love.

I hope that someone is encouraged by this. Please know that there's a lot of other people out there struggling through this, not just you. Be still. Take time to allow God to heal those wounds. Ease into new relationships, new friendships, even old friendships that are being made new. There's no rush to let people in. Your heart is still raw. Let it heal.

Transfiguration on the Mountain Brow

A couple weeks ago now I met a couple people. First I met this super cool guy at a Home church and we teased each other horribly. We started hanging out and I found he was a super passionate Christian with similar beliefs and an awesome sense of humor. Then I met this other person. It was a girl, a Jewish Christian who loves the Lord, but has a lot of questions. Finally, I met the last of our group, an incredibly passionate girl , loving, caring and very devoted Christian.

The night we all met we decided to make a late night trip to the Mountain Brow. It's this beautiful spot that overlooks the entire city. It's quiet, away of the busyness and a great place just to chat. It was around 2am by the time we arrived there. The four of us started sharing testimonies, talking about God in our lives and challenging each other in different areas.

Before leaving we decided to take a moment to pray. The prayer time was not just a simple normal prayer time, but instead filled with prophetic utterances, visions and exhortations. Each of us walked away that night forever changed by the time together.

Last night the four of us found ourselves together again, sitting at a Dairy Queen. I laughed to myself slightly as I sat back and realized the depth of our conversations. Again we were in deep discussion of true Christian living, what it looks like and how do we do it. We were challenging one another and making the scriptures real. There were tears and laughter. There was joy and pain. There was a TRUE authenticity that you don't find everyday.

The four of us have been sharing a type of true fellowship which challenges us and forces us to really examine our lives. It offers us support, guidance and love in a world that often seems absent of it all.

I want to encourage all of you to seek out the same sort of fellowship, if it is standing on the mountain brow or if it is in a church, a school or wherever you find yourself. Meet with God and invite others to do the same. God loves community. Let Him use those around you to bring a transformation and transfiguration in your own life.