Jesus' Comfort in my Skin

When the Lord brought back the

captive ones of Zion,
We were like those who dream.
Then our mouth was filled with
laughter.
And our tongue with joyful shouting;
Then they said among the nations,
"The Lord has done great things for them."
The Lord has done great things for us;
We are glad.

-Psalm 126:1-3

Last night, I was on a plane headed back home from Costa Rica and for the very first time, I smiled as I landed in the local airport. There was excitement in my heart and not a hint of dread or a feeling of displacement. It felt... like home. It felt like this is where I belong, right now. So deeply inside my heart that was a cheer, a joy, a sheer excitement at returning to the place where God has chosen for me to be. This trip has changed so much in me.

It was meant to be a simple backpacking trip, no missions, no aid, not a purposeful trip. Oddly enough, it held so much purpose in my heart. I wanted so badly to reconnect with God, to renew the intimacy, the passion and of course, the vision, which had all but died in me.

My (awesome) travel buddies, an old YWAM buddy and her friend from school, had pre-arranged a stay at a YWAM base in the capital city of San Jose. There we met amazing Christians, solid people, who in many ways revitalized and even healed my trust and faith in Christians as friends and indeed as family. (Of course, my travel buddies also served the same purpose).

There the wonderful new family arranged for us to travel across the country and again stay on a YWAM base in the south west, on a small native reserve called Bamboo. There, once again, we met the most wonderful people. We stayed there 5 days, which both felt like forever, due to the limited time we had in the country, and at the very same time, not nearly long enough! We ended up going on a church outing with the local community.

The church outing was a trip to a local beach on the Caribbean coast and a potluck lunch. There I met with a couple wonderful missionaries, one of which was instrumental in refreshing and refocusing my vision with God. Tina, a visiting missionary stationed in Nicaragua, is a passionate believer with a passion for medical missions, a true desire to heal the sick. She is zealous in her love, independent in her vision and unyielding in her devotion to the vision God has given her, despite opposition. She too has, and continues to, experience hardships and challenges from authority and the "family of God" that are both unfair and oppressive, yet she trudges on.

She, both with joy and passion, vision and purpose, willingly suffers and endures many challenges both from Christians and from just the physical challenges of her work, and still with joy, serves the Lord.

In her, I saw much of myself. I saw her persecution as an extension of my own, in the hard experiences I had faced in the not so distant past. In her, I saw that unyielding desire to serve balanced perfectly with an independent and uniquely strong spirit of individuality. Seemingly free from the impact of harsh judgment, she is simply a child before God. She doesn't play the game, she doesn't pretend and speak fluent "Christianese" as all Christians are expected to.

Walking away from our conversation, I felt as though I had truly found an answer to the question I had asked the Lord regarding my place in His family. In meeting her, I saw the purpose, and I finally accepted the challenge of being "different", the black sheep of the family.

The rest of the trip was more of the same. Not so much with people, but with God. It was a series of small encounters, and a new turn of pure honesty and unashamed passion before God. I gave up playing the game.

I must be honest in saying that many this may seem like a negative change, but it is quite the opposite. I am free in Him. I no longer want to pretend that the "F" word, as we like to call it, doesn't slip from my lips. It does, sorry. I don't feel too bad about it, anyway. Perhaps you think I should, but really, it's simply a word of emphasis. I also drink and I much enjoy my beer. On occasion, it slips into excess, but mostly I enjoy only one on a warm day. I love tattoos and plan to get more of them. I am wild and crazy, outspoken and at times, overbearing. I am independent and I challenge authority constantly. For all of this, I make no apology to man.

I am not what the church would hold up as a perfect Christian, and I don't plan to be, instead I want to be a passionate follower of Christ, with the open and honest revelation that I fall on my face straight into steaming piles of sin many times every day. I get up from that, become clean by a shower of His blood and I carry on passionately following Him. I make no apologies for being imperfect and I refuse to hide it. I will speak Christianese no longer. I plan to be authentic, truly and purely me, an honest child before Him and before the church, with all my sin and shame, if I am accepted or not.

I'm home now, both in location and in heart. I feel safe to be me. All of me. I will take the judgment and persecution on the off chance that somehow, my honesty and authenticity will shake another Christian from the captivity of our very own expectations and understanding of what makes one "holy". Christ is what makes us holy, that's it.

Thank you to the many friends on my trip who refreshed my passion and my vision, who sent me back refocused on Him and unyielding in my devotion. Thank you for your kind words, simple prayers and open and honest lives. Each and everyone of you are an inspiration in your passion for the Lord.

Thank you for showing me, Tina, Jesus' comfort in my skin.

The Lord is unashamed to call me His child and His beloved, because of my heart, not my life.

Keep your eyes fixed, my friends. Keep your love burning strong. Live openly and unashamed of your failings, desiring only to follow Him, but honest in your inability. Don't fret about what "they" may think, don't "fret" about judgment. Live freely and purely for Him. He is comfortable in your skin, even when you are not.