Conversations with God

I sat down today to spend some time with the Lord. I needed to wrestle through some fresh hurts and frustrations. I was at a loss for words and every time I went to speak, I had no words to say. Instead, I started to journal. This was meant to be a private conversation, but I don't feel like it should stay that way. This is raw, real emotion, completely unedited. I hope it helps someone through their own trials and tribulations.


I surrender to the new nail in my flesh. I will not fight against it. I certainly won't try to fix what You break or keep what is not mine. I won't look at my heart, but instead at Your redemption. I need nothing but You, my God.

"You can have all the world, just give me Jesus."

God, You are all I need. No social life, no job, no man could ever fill me, yet a single touch from You fills me to overflowing. It is You I long to be with. It is You. I want to sit at Your feet and learn from You. I want to jump into Your arms and be held by You. My desire to be loved is fulfilled in You.

The messages if the world tell me that I'm not enough, but I know that if I were much more, I would be too much. My brokenness is what allowed me to respond to You. My failure reminds me where I need to run. My hurts takes me back to my Healer. My sorrow is defeated by Your joy.

There is nothing I fear when I sit with you, Daddy. There's nothing that can hold me back, or keep me down. Yes Lord, I am being nailed to the cross by the world, being told, "You, Kim, are not enough," but Lord, it is there that I will be resurrected.



"Don't judge your value by your success."

You have a different standard. You are proud of me for never giving up. You have held my broken heart in Your hands. You have seen the broken places. Yet you see me on my last beat, still trying to love. You are proud of that. I never stand down from a fight, instead I run in trying to win for Your Kingdom. You don't care if I ever have a victory, but you are honored in my pursuit. You ask me to be still and I struggle, but I'm learning, Lord, to lie at Your feet.

When you say, "Run!" Lord, I will be on my feet so quickly to place my hand in Yours and run. When you say, "Lie down, be still," I feel like that kid in gym class, belly down, face to the wall, waiting for the blow of a whistle to start a race. All other sounds become strangely silent, as if the whistle is the only sound at all, and I can't hear You, telling me again to lie down, be still. I move my feet a little and place my hands up under my chest, ensuring that I can get up quickly and run. I hear You yell, "Don't cheat!" I lie down once more. A moment later I find myself in the same position, though it's not my desire. Teach me to be still.

Running is so much more fun than resting. Lord, I love to sit at Your feet, but I love much more to run the race with You. There's risk, endurance, strength, training required and opponents to beat. In the stillness, I only wrestle with myself. It seems much less alive.

It is here that I sit on my very own Patmus. I wait for only You know what. I rest and stay still, cheating often. I rest though. I remove, no, I find more and more nails and thorns that have pierced my core, but for them, I find meaning, redemption of the old self and my wounds heal. A season of thorns and wounds, infections and pain, yet also healing and redemption, peace and... dare I say...joy! I want to rest with You, Lord. Teach me to rest.

Note: Patmus is the island the disciple John was exiled to, and also where he received the revelation that is written as the last book of the Bible.