The Reason for my Pain

The battles God calls us to, the woundings and cripplings of soul and body we all receive, cannot simply be ascribed to our sin and foolishness, or even to the sin and foolishness of others. When Jesus and the disciples were on the road one day, they came upon a man who had been blind since birth. "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents?" they asked him. "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." And with that Jesus spat on the ground, made some mud to place on the man's eyes, and healed him (John 9:1-7).

Many of us who are reading these words have not yet received God's healing. The display of God's works through our wounds, losses, and sufferings is yet to be revealed. And so, we groan and we wonder. - The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge (page 61)

Anyone else feel like this? Anyone else look at their hardship and wonder, where was God? Where is God? Or ask the simple, yet profound question, "Why?" "Why me?" "Why here?" "Why now?" I think I have spent a long time asking all the wrong questions. I asked God many times what I did to deserve this or that. Or why such and such a person would do such a crappy thing to me, sometimes reasoning that it's just their own struggles, their own personal sin.

I'm beginning to learn, after many personal trials, struggles, hurts and hardships that God is not doing things to me, but for me. All things are for my good, even the hardship. Is it possible, that like Job, God unleashes darkness on me? Is it possible? Maybe. Is it possible that it's not people hurting me through their indifference or own personal material lusts, but instead lessons from the Big Guy constructed perfectly for me?

Is it possible that all hurt and hardship is for my own good? Possible? Yes. Infact, I think it's the only logical answer. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," is not just an old cliche but this is a tag line for the gospel. If you realize that God is in the business of redemption, which he so clearly is, we can reason that even in our own lives, our hurts are only used for the glory of God. And in the end, so that we can be risen up with Him.

How is God using my recent or even distant hurts for His glory? Often, I couldn't tell you. I do remember the times that I have shared my testimony though. Not MY story, but God's story of my life. It's a story of redemption. It's marked with hardship and hurt, aspects of it which would grab at any heart, but the larger story, the story that ends with God's touch, is one of gentleness, compassion and grace.

No part of the story dims the pain, or removes the scars, but you can see, you can clearly see where God came in my life and when He did when He arrived. The story is not about me; it's about God in me. He redeemed me from being that broken child crying herself to sleep and changed me into a independent, strong, passionate woman. The transformation is God revealing His absolute power and love.

Yes, hardship still remains and still sometimes I find myself postured as that little girl, crying myself to sleep. I find myself still hurting, but I can look back, I can look way back now and see, even in the times of hardship, where God was. I can see what He has done since then, in healing and redeeming those times and I can see Him still working. I can see Him teaching me to have Him and Him alone as the foundation of my life. I can hear him whispering, "Be still."

So, who sinned? What did I do to deserve this or that? Nothing. You're just teaching me. I love to learn, Lord. Sometimes I want to ask You to make the lessons a little more gentle, but I would never remember them with such power if they were any easier to navigate. Thank you for being my strength during hardship. I know that with You, there is nothing I can't face.