Praise You in this Storm

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. - James 1:2-4

The last couple months of my life have been incredibly difficult. Everyday has had it's trials. Every moment has been a constant struggle. The trials have not just been outward struggles with the world, but very personal, deep cutting trials of the heart. The last couple months I have been in a fierce battle against depression. I've had moments where I've questioned if life was worth it, and even wondered if there is a God. Moment to moment I've had to refocus myself on God, on the scriptures, on the truth that in those moments I can't see. I've had to have faith to believe in something which seemed so contrary to all I was seeing in front of me.

During my quiet times with the Lord this week and last, I've spent a significant amount of time just journaling. I've been journaling a lot about my hurt, my frustration and even my disappointment. I realized at the different points that I was indeed questioning the character of the God that I love. I doubted even His goodness, His tender heart and His undying love for me.

I found myself writing on the page, "Quit focusing on your emotion". Many times I've looked around me and seen Christians so focused on the emotion that they get from God rather than being focused on God Himself. I hate that! I realized in that moment that that was where I was at. That has been where I've been at for a long time, to a lesser degree, but still there. I've been in this semi-existential walk. My love for God is determined by the success of my dreams, my visions, MY plans.

I heard a song that really impacted my heart called, Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns. It's all about giving God praise even when things are hard. The first verse is what really hit me, it reads:

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away

That perfectly captures the emotion, but also the truth. The emotion is real, it is accurate and warranted, but it is only a small part of the picture. The truth is in the God of the scriptures. If you search the scriptures you will see that God is always in control. Despite how we feel.

Through this season, I've begun to understand what it means to be made complete as is talked about in James 1:2-4. I can't just know God when the sun is shining. God is meeting me in this storm and I'm learning things about Him that I could never learn any other way. He is forcing me to discover that my faith is real. He is showing me the truth in His scriptures and the love in His character despite what the world throws at me. God is molding me, refining me and strengthening my faith.

Though it feels like I'm falling apart, the situation is really quite the opposite. Though the battle is against despair, the truth is the joy. This all-knowing, all-powerful, loving God, who has chosen me to be His own, is completely in control of everything in this world. This same God loves me so deeply that He desires to mold me, to shape me and refine me. He will never leave me. He will never forsake me.

You are who you are, no matter where I am. - Casting Crowns