Hope
We also exult in tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. - Romans 5:3-5
June 3, about a month ago, I posted an entry about God's proven character and how hoping in that does not disappoint. A month later, sitting on a couch in my parents' house, struggling through a difficult season, I have seemingly forgot all about that entry.
Life went crazy a couple weeks ago and now life looks very different. I'm in a different place. I'm no longer providing for myself. I'm at the mercy of others. I'm without some of my most important possessions and closest friends. On top of all that, I'm dealing with the most difficult spiritual, emotional and physical trials I have ever dealt with.
Fearing depression (and all that comes with it.. which is a reasonable fear for someone with my past,) I started to grab at anything and everything to keep me afloat. It started out with me grabbing God, but I lost grip on Him. I stopped trying. I stopped praying simply because it was hard. I stopped reading the word because I was tired and it seemingly did no good. Since then I've been grabbing everything else. It's been everything from romantic relationships, to friendships, to plans, possessions, hobbies, songs, etc. Of course, people can't be my hope, because they are fallen and finite. They mess up. They walk away. They don't love like God loves, which is what I need. Plans can't be my hope, because they don't always, (don't often?) work out. Possessions, well, you guys can figure the rest out. All of those "hopes" are far less than what I can have. The hope is far weaker, far more breakable I fear.
My hope in the Lord was originally that He fix this and fix that. I'm seeing how even that is a breakable hope, a hope in my plan. My hope now is not that everything gets tied up in a pretty little bow, that the sun starts shining and a year down the road I laugh at this whole adventure. My hope now is that the Lord goes with me. Where am I going? That's up to Him. What is happening? In His hands. My hope needs to rest in who I know God to be. God is in control and God is an awesome God.
June 3, about a month ago, I posted an entry about God's proven character and how hoping in that does not disappoint. A month later, sitting on a couch in my parents' house, struggling through a difficult season, I have seemingly forgot all about that entry.
Life went crazy a couple weeks ago and now life looks very different. I'm in a different place. I'm no longer providing for myself. I'm at the mercy of others. I'm without some of my most important possessions and closest friends. On top of all that, I'm dealing with the most difficult spiritual, emotional and physical trials I have ever dealt with.
Fearing depression (and all that comes with it.. which is a reasonable fear for someone with my past,) I started to grab at anything and everything to keep me afloat. It started out with me grabbing God, but I lost grip on Him. I stopped trying. I stopped praying simply because it was hard. I stopped reading the word because I was tired and it seemingly did no good. Since then I've been grabbing everything else. It's been everything from romantic relationships, to friendships, to plans, possessions, hobbies, songs, etc. Of course, people can't be my hope, because they are fallen and finite. They mess up. They walk away. They don't love like God loves, which is what I need. Plans can't be my hope, because they don't always, (don't often?) work out. Possessions, well, you guys can figure the rest out. All of those "hopes" are far less than what I can have. The hope is far weaker, far more breakable I fear.
My hope in the Lord was originally that He fix this and fix that. I'm seeing how even that is a breakable hope, a hope in my plan. My hope now is not that everything gets tied up in a pretty little bow, that the sun starts shining and a year down the road I laugh at this whole adventure. My hope now is that the Lord goes with me. Where am I going? That's up to Him. What is happening? In His hands. My hope needs to rest in who I know God to be. God is in control and God is an awesome God.
posted by Kim McInerney | 3:03 PM
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