In the Wilderness

Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. And after He had fasted forty days and forty nights, He then became hungry. And the tempter came and said to Him, "If you are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread." But He answered and said, "It is written, 'Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.' " -Matthew 4:1-4

After my DTS, I had so many options. I could go almost anywhere and do almost anything, but I knew that the Lord was telling me to go back home to Canada. More than that, He was telling me to stay with my parents. This is a place I haven't called home in quite awhile. It is a place that holds a lot of difficult memories and temptations to fall back into old coping mechanisms. To me, this is the wilderness.

Since coming here, I have had a hard time focusing during my quiet times with the Lord. I've had trouble praying and even reading the Word. Usually, I'm so excited to read the Word that I stay up late reading, get up early and find every spare moment where I'm not serving Him to read His Word. It's a heartbreak to me right now that I'm struggling so greatly with this.

I began to try in my own strength to focus and discipline myself to read, and though I still did it, it was not fufilling. Tonight as I sat down and begged the Lord to speak, He pointed me to Matthew and Jesus' time in the wilderness. The Lord again gave me the same revelation that he has given me so many times before: it is not about me.

It is by Him that I live, that I breathe. It is by Him that I serve. It is by Him that I worship. He creates my desires and also fulfills them. There is nothing that I do in my own strength. I can't depend on my own understanding to get me through this time in the wilderness, I need to depend on Him. But how?

I will follow the example of Jesus. I will fast. I will deny my flesh and depend on Him to feed me and fuel me. It is this type of denial of self that breeds a new depth to the relationship with Him. It is to live out the belief that it is not about me, that I no longer live, but He lives in me.