Kim McInerney

Naked Undercover

2010-06-20T00:02:00.002-04:00

When I was 7 years old, I expressed a dream to be a writer. Now, at nearly 25, I have succeeded. June 13th marked the official release of my first book, Naked Undercover.

This book is a collection of poems, written over the course of my life from many continents, seasons and situations. It is naked in its expression, exposing the depth of my struggles and heights of my passions.

Check out Amazon.com for your own copy!

My Faith and His

2009-09-24T22:08:00.004-04:00

In recent discussions, I have learned a lot about faith. I've been reminded of the revelation, the moment or process of acknowledgement, where we finally find ourselves saying, "I believe". I'm reminded of the first statement of faith I ever made. The power of the moment, so strong, yet passed and gone. There is, to me, a greater statement of faith, however.

In meeting many new friends lately, I've had a chance to recount the events of my life, or my "walk". As I share my story, my "testimony", I'm reminded of the greater revelation that I seem to have more often than not. I'm reminded of its importance, its significant nature. It is not the statement that says, "I believe in you, God" but the statement that says, "God, you believe in me!"

I see now what has shaped so much of my life is not the revelation that God is so big, but that I am so big to Him. His love shapes me, daily. His belief in my abilities, my talents, my strengths, my potential fuels me. I am nothing without Him, but with Him, He reminds me of everything I was made to be.

Ask God what He thinks of you.

The Way is Hard

2009-06-18T12:17:00.003-04:00

Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few. -Matt. 7:14

I must say, the way used to be harder than it is now. I'm learning, slowly, to give in to His way. I've always had plans, all kinds of plans to do all kinds of things and they never quite end up following the same logical path I had set out for them. The result is usually far better, but the path much harder. I used to get bothered more by changes in plans than I do now. Now, I'm learning. I'm learning to see Him in it. Recently, I've encountered another change in plans and at first I was bothered but today, just today, I finally saw it. I finally felt it. He has never taken me where I wasn't meant to be. The road may be harder, less desirable even, but the result far better, although maybe different than what I had dreamed.

I'm learning silence, peace, stillness in Him.

Our communication has changed. I don't read as much, or even at all anymore. I don't pray as often. Yet, I feel Him, I am aware of Him and I try to move in Him. I know Him. I have always known Him, both from study and from relationship, but now I feel Him more than know Him, which is the depth of the knowledge in experience. Peace is being restored.

Preoccupation with Right and Wrong

2009-05-10T13:03:00.003-04:00

Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and Learn what this means, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners. - Matthew 9:12-13

Have you ever noticed that we, as Christians, have a preoccupation with right and wrong? We word it many different ways, but in truth, there are acceptable behaviors and unacceptable behaviors. There are places Christians can go, and places they can't. They are words they can say, and should say, "God Bless!", and words they shouldn't say. We speak of "Good Christians" and say little of the rest. I fall into the "rest" category. Most of us do.

I've struggled for the last 3 years to find my place with God again. My relationship with Him feels empty, silent, distant and pointless. I love God no less than I did as I burned with the fire of my new faith when I first met Him. The difference is now perhaps that I know Him more deeply, more intimately and desire to serve Him more than anything. In my desire for service, somehow, I have took a very different direction. I stopped reading, teaching, sharing and even enjoying "fellowship". Why?

It took some self discovery, some significant time, and a few of the exact same epiphanies to get an answer. I have no doubt it's an answer I'll forget and need to hear again. In fact, it's an answer I've heard a thousand times and never taken to heart. Why did I walk away?

I, like many Christians, knew the Bible well. I knew what was acceptable and unacceptable, what was honorable and dishonorable. I knew intimately the call on our lives to be "Christ Ians", representatives of Him in this world. I looked at my life, and my roles in leadership, my desire also to lead and direct and saw my fail points. Being in the spotlight can outline your darkness. It's not fear of humiliation or judgement, (though I've many times blamed the judgement). No, more accurately, it's the fear of tarnishing his image. I don't love God too little to serve Him, I love Him too much.

Yes, I realize how silly this is. God can use anyone, and did, all throughout the Bible, like Moses the murderer and David the adulterer. Despite this knowledge, still I know, inside of myself, that I don't want to screw this up for Him.

Before I was a believer, I looked at Christians and saw their hypocrisy. In fact, I had never been hurt more than I was by self-professed Christians. My greatest fear was, and still is, to become one of those. Despite trying my hardest to be open and honest about my faults, it seems the more I got to know God the more faults I found. Also, the more I got to know Him, the more I got thrust into a spotlight of service, just because I have the passion, and the personality for it. I wanted so deeply to serve Him, but in so many ways, it makes you more noticeable, and your "sins" so clear. I couldn't tarnish His name. One accusation too many and I fell.

I didn't fall far, by His grace, but far enough to remain distant for too long.

I've realized now the cause is not the fact that I'm so far from perfect, nor the fact that people judge, but instead, my entire perception that it matters one bit how perfect I am, or could be.

We, as Christians, talk about "sin" as something "wrong", something distasteful, something shameful. I'm beginning to see sin more as a cancer, an illness, an unhealthiness. A behaviour, a word, whatever, is never just that, it's more. It's a symptom of something else. Sin is breed from all different things, although chosen, choice is sometimes clouded by a whole history of experience. What if we spoke not of "Good Christians" but "healthy" ones? What if we spoke of not "wrong behaviours" but unhealthy? What if we spoke of sin not as something needing to fixed, but needing to be diagnosed? Maybe, we should be doctors rather than judges.

I don't know many people in perfect health. Even the healthiest person gets colds and flues. There aren't "Good Christians" but there are ones without colds.

We need to look at ourselves as Christ does and speak the words He speaks to us. Passing judgement on ourselves is the "devil's work".

Jesus' Comfort in my Skin

2008-08-27T23:24:00.008-04:00

When the Lord brought back the

captive ones of Zion,
We were like those who dream.
Then our mouth was filled with
laughter.
And our tongue with joyful shouting;
Then they said among the nations,
"The Lord has done great things for them."
The Lord has done great things for us;
We are glad.

-Psalm 126:1-3

Last night, I was on a plane headed back home from Costa Rica and for the very first time, I smiled as I landed in the local airport. There was excitement in my heart and not a hint of dread or a feeling of displacement. It felt... like home. It felt like this is where I belong, right now. So deeply inside my heart that was a cheer, a joy, a sheer excitement at returning to the place where God has chosen for me to be. This trip has changed so much in me.

It was meant to be a simple backpacking trip, no missions, no aid, not a purposeful trip. Oddly enough, it held so much purpose in my heart. I wanted so badly to reconnect with God, to renew the intimacy, the passion and of course, the vision, which had all but died in me.

My (awesome) travel buddies, an old YWAM buddy and her friend from school, had pre-arranged a stay at a YWAM base in the capital city of San Jose. There we met amazing Christians, solid people, who in many ways revitalized and even healed my trust and faith in Christians as friends and indeed as family. (Of course, my travel buddies also served the same purpose).

There the wonderful new family arranged for us to travel across the country and again stay on a YWAM base in the south west, on a small native reserve called Bamboo. There, once again, we met the most wonderful people. We stayed there 5 days, which both felt like forever, due to the limited time we had in the country, and at the very same time, not nearly long enough! We ended up going on a church outing with the local community.

The church outing was a trip to a local beach on the Caribbean coast and a potluck lunch. There I met with a couple wonderful missionaries, one of which was instrumental in refreshing and refocusing my vision with God. Tina, a visiting missionary stationed in Nicaragua, is a passionate believer with a passion for medical missions, a true desire to heal the sick. She is zealous in her love, independent in her vision and unyielding in her devotion to the vision God has given her, despite opposition. She too has, and continues to, experience hardships and challenges from authority and the "family of God" that are both unfair and oppressive, yet she trudges on.

She, both with joy and passion, vision and purpose, willingly suffers and endures many challenges both from Christians and from just the physical challenges of her work, and still with joy, serves the Lord.

In her, I saw much of myself. I saw her persecution as an extension of my own, in the hard experiences I had faced in the not so distant past. In her, I saw that unyielding desire to serve balanced perfectly with an independent and uniquely strong spirit of individuality. Seemingly free from the impact of harsh judgment, she is simply a child before God. She doesn't play the game, she doesn't pretend and speak fluent "Christianese" as all Christians are expected to.

Walking away from our conversation, I felt as though I had truly found an answer to the question I had asked the Lord regarding my place in His family. In meeting her, I saw the purpose, and I finally accepted the challenge of being "different", the black sheep of the family.

The rest of the trip was more of the same. Not so much with people, but with God. It was a series of small encounters, and a new turn of pure honesty and unashamed passion before God. I gave up playing the game.

I must be honest in saying that many this may seem like a negative change, but it is quite the opposite. I am free in Him. I no longer want to pretend that the "F" word, as we like to call it, doesn't slip from my lips. It does, sorry. I don't feel too bad about it, anyway. Perhaps you think I should, but really, it's simply a word of emphasis. I also drink and I much enjoy my beer. On occasion, it slips into excess, but mostly I enjoy only one on a warm day. I love tattoos and plan to get more of them. I am wild and crazy, outspoken and at times, overbearing. I am independent and I challenge authority constantly. For all of this, I make no apology to man.

I am not what the church would hold up as a perfect Christian, and I don't plan to be, instead I want to be a passionate follower of Christ, with the open and honest revelation that I fall on my face straight into steaming piles of sin many times every day. I get up from that, become clean by a shower of His blood and I carry on passionately following Him. I make no apologies for being imperfect and I refuse to hide it. I will speak Christianese no longer. I plan to be authentic, truly and purely me, an honest child before Him and before the church, with all my sin and shame, if I am accepted or not.

I'm home now, both in location and in heart. I feel safe to be me. All of me. I will take the judgment and persecution on the off chance that somehow, my honesty and authenticity will shake another Christian from the captivity of our very own expectations and understanding of what makes one "holy". Christ is what makes us holy, that's it.

Thank you to the many friends on my trip who refreshed my passion and my vision, who sent me back refocused on Him and unyielding in my devotion. Thank you for your kind words, simple prayers and open and honest lives. Each and everyone of you are an inspiration in your passion for the Lord.

Thank you for showing me, Tina, Jesus' comfort in my skin.

The Lord is unashamed to call me His child and His beloved, because of my heart, not my life.

Keep your eyes fixed, my friends. Keep your love burning strong. Live openly and unashamed of your failings, desiring only to follow Him, but honest in your inability. Don't fret about what "they" may think, don't "fret" about judgment. Live freely and purely for Him. He is comfortable in your skin, even when you are not.

Indonesian Morning

2008-07-20T08:27:00.002-04:00

Selamat Pagi.

I woke up this morning to find my plans had to be canceled and I was faced with a decision to go back to bed and get some much needed rest, or enjoy the silence of a quiet morning with a freshly risen sun.

I went outside on the porch and sat in a green plastic chair in between a bush, covered in raindrops from the nights storm and a pot of flowers. It was quiet, no cars passing, no people yelling. The occasional bird and dog spoke their hellos, but apart from that, there was what I have come to know as an Indonesian calm. Even as I write this now, the calm remains.

Back in Indonesia this was my favourite time of day. I would get up at the first of the Muslim prayers, around 4am, when the world was still covered by night and I would make a cappuccino from a powder mix. I would sit alone, with my Bible and my journal. For hours, until the world awoke, I would pray and journal, I would read and just spend time enjoying the silence. This was the strengthening time that carried me through the hardest of days.

Sitting here today has much reminded me of those days and oddly enough, it is the first time that this place has felt at all like a home. Indonesia was the first place and the only place that I ever felt as though I was indeed at home.

As I spoke with Him today, I told him how I felt, how hard it is to be here, and how confused I am over where He wants me. I told him I long to go "home". I sat quietly for a bit. Just listening, waiting, being still. I felt I should read my Bible for a bit, so I asked Him what I should read. 1 Peter jumped out at me, I could see the words in my minds eye. I turned to the pages and I knew I should read chapter 5:6-9. This is how it reads.

Therefore humble yourselves under the
mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at
the proper time, casting all your anxiety on
Him, because He cares for you. Be of sober
spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil,
prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking
someone to devour. But resist him, firm in
your faith, knowing that the same experiences
of suffering are being accomplished by
your brethren who are in the world.
-1 Peter 5:6-9

This is the confirmation that I am where I need to be right now and that He hasn't forgotten the desires He placed in me to serve in the nations. It just simply isn't time. As ready as I may feel, only He knows when I'm truly prepared. Don't fret. His plan is better. He will not fail me because He loves me so deeply.

He is reminding me that the Satan is still very active and trying with all his might to distract me and pull me from my calling. He is trying to convince me to lose faith and act out of selfish ambition. The Lord is telling me that He sees the challenge and is standing with me.

Also, He reminds me, that when I sat out on my Indonesian mornings, even then I had feelings of doubt, of frustration and even distance from the Lord on occasion. No matter where we are, Christians everywhere struggle and that's ok. We are more than conquerers in Christ Jesus. These same sufferings are being ACCOMPLISHED by my brothers and sisters everywhere. I am not alone, no matter how it feels.

The Lord has a plan, though sometimes it seems random. He has a design, even though we can't piece it together. He is with us, even when we feel alone. He forgets only your faults, but never forgets you, nor His promises to you.

Lord, I will rest in your promises and wait on your word. I will stand with you and for you and I will not walk away.

Many troubles and Distresses

2008-01-12T11:35:00.000-05:00

You who have shown me many troubles and distresses
Will revive me again,
And bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
-Psalm 71:20

It is hard to believe, and harder to see, but He is there, holding us as we go through our trials. No matter how hard or how far you've fallen, He can and will raise you up again. It may take time, and sacrifice, but the Lord will revive you again. Take comfort in the words of the psalmist. Let us trust in the character of our awesome God, knowing that He not only has the power, but also the love to revive us, restore us and grant us growth and blessing through our trials. He is with us always, and there to comfort us. Turn to Him in the midst of your trails, cry to Him and allow Him to comfort you. He loves you deeply.

The Difference Between Good Ideas and God Ideas

2007-11-29T20:30:00.000-05:00

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
- Isaiah 55: 8-9

What's the difference between good ideas and God ideas? From experience I can tell you often times the line between them can be awfully hard to find. Many times, our good ideas seem to be, at the very least, far more reasonable, rational, acceptable, while God ideas can appear irrational, unreasonable and too "hopeful".

God ideas, many will tell you, are impossible. You will never go to that place, receive that much money for support, you will never do all those things you "think" you are hearing. Sometimes, they will be right, and in those times, it may be because you have "imported a few "good ideas" into the God idea.

God ideas don't always feel fuzzy, they aren't always gentle and rarely are easy. Sometimes they involve as much patience as a strong faith can find, or as much trust, to step out the moment we are called.

Good ideas delay the plan, call for a surrender of it. Good ideas are, in all truth, no good at all, unless they are, too, God ideas. How can a good idea become a God idea? The formula is simple, thankfully, all you have to do is ask. Lord, I want your way not mine, open and shut these doors.
Sometimes, when that prayer is answered, your heart will break, but in the end, it will be greater than the outcome of the "good idea".

Remember that the Lord has said,

‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. ‘Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ‘You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. ‘I will be found by you,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,’ declares the LORD, ‘and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.’ - Jeremiah 29:11-14

Don't despair if the path seems long, don't seek good ideas. When His voice is silent, ask Him to speak. If you still do not hear, trust that you are where you need to be. If He must, He will speak to you, "Your ears will hear a word behind you, “This is the way, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right or to the left" -Isaiah 30:21 Do not fear, just be still and listen for His voice, at all times.

Even as our dear "Father of Faith" Abraham was attentive to hear His voice in the height of the emotional trial of his existence, the sacrafice of his dearly beloved son. Do not get so caught up in the emotions, in the distractions of the world, of plans and good ideas, that you close your ears, shut your eyes and clench your fists, firmly rooting yourself in a plan that is not His.

Remember, please remember, your emotions, no matter how valid or warranted, do not always dictate truth. Feel them and file them, ask for a God perspective and listen for His direction. He will speak.

May God bless you and continue to speak His plan into your life. Rest in Him.

Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary
- Galatians 6:9

The Process

2007-05-27T00:00:00.000-04:00

My great struggle lately, as recently as today, has been self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect. I feel, to put it simply, that I'm too broken for God. (Yes, silly, I know, but you've felt it too, don't lie.) I find myself slipping a lot, not sinning so much as just not growing. I find myself making stupid mistakes, not speaking when I should and not shutting up when I need to. I find myself searching for friendship and coming up short. I find myself trying to rebuild broken friendships, and unable to mend the messes. I find myself striving to be a better me, yet not moving forward.

I called a friend upset today and she asked if I could drive the hour to come see her tonight. I didn't want to go that far, but I felt like God wanted me to, so I said yes. Sitting in her room we decided to look back on old times, around when we met. She pulled out a picture of me, a picture that was timed and dated in my heart and mind. It was a day set inside a season that I'll never forget, no matter how hard I want to. I saw myself with my struggles painted on. I saw it in every part of me. It was as though every part of me was crying, though I wore a smile.

I stopped and stared at the picture. That was me, back then. It's hard to believe. God has changed me so much. Molded me, refined me. Yeah, I'm still a mess most of the time, but well on my way to being cleaned up. God has brought me a long way from where we first met, Him and I. He's just still working.

God loves me in the middle of the process. He loved me at the beginning and He'll love me at the end. The amount or depth of His love doesn't change or grow according to my growth. He loves me no matter where I stand. Am I a mess? You bet! Am I worthy of His love? Yeah right! Nah, I'm not much at all, but God is and that guy is pretty in love with me.

I don't have a right to stop and think of myself, who I want to be versus who I am. Nah, that's not my concern. I just need to love Him. I just need to serve Him. I just need to honor God in this process He's taking me though. I'm not done and I never will be, but He's there and He loves me in the process.

Forgiveness

2007-05-04T10:10:00.000-04:00

I was reflecting the other day on forgivess. As I praying about it, I was really hit by the Godly definition versus our own definition. We say, "I forgive you" but we don't mean it as God does. When God forgives us, He erases the entire act from His mind and heart and restores you, but when we forigve, we let go of the current issue, pack it in the back of our minds so that we can bring it up later.

We all do this at times. We all udder the words, "I forgive you," then quickly add, "...but I'm still upset." God never adds a "but". God simply says I forgive you and I've forgotten. How can God do this? Why can't we as well?

I believe it comes back to surrender. We don't forget because we feel a need to protect ourselves. "If I forget, then how do I prevent it from happening again?" You don't. God never sees a need to protect Himself. He doesn't lack self esteem. He doesn't have fear. He is not lonely. He's God.

How do we come close to this? Forgiving and forgetting, well, at least the forgetting part, isn't an easy thing, perhaps even impossible in some cases. So what do we do instead? We forgive and we focus on God. We take a moment to stop focusing on the hurt, the causes and consequences and we turn our eyes to God. We take a moment to glance at His heart, His love, His grace, His compassion.

I find myself often praying, "God, give me a heart for this person," through gritted teeth and clenched fists. I must say, I don't often receive that heart. But the odd occasion, when I truly want to chase God's heart in forgiveness, I turn to Him and say, "Lord, show me your love. Show me Your compassion, Your grace and Your mercy. Renew in my mind the grace that I have received so that I can also forgive." It is in these times that I "know" the heart of God in my heart. Then, I can forgive.

God's forgiveness is unlike ours because His is focused on a self-less love. Mine is, unfortunately, not quite there. Yes, it is focused on love, but self-less? No, I still protect myself, hide my heart and clench my fists, even as I forgive.

Can we change the way we look at forgiveness? Search your heart as I search mine.

The Higher Calling

2007-03-24T17:34:00.000-04:00

Ok, here it is, the answer to my question. The question was, "Why do I feel so empty?" and the answer is that it is because there is more! I have been feeling so.. well.. empty. I don't know how to describe it, but frustration has been mounting.

My time with God has been no less than usual, my reading of scripture the same, yet I haven't felt the same with Him. I've been searching and searching for places and ways to fill this void in me, not even realizing it. Now I see it.

I sat down with God to ask him why just one more time. I needed the answer. I saw what I was doing, how I was running and I needed Him to fill me. I needed to just be filled by Him. The answer came so clearly, He wants to offer me more.

He wants to offer me a life that is connected to Him, not just in work, or in the mornings or evenings and at meals. He wanted to offer me conversation which isn't set around trials, or successes, times or seasons, people or places, but instead a conversation that is set around relationship, persistant, neverending and committed to commune together.

He wants to teach me to pray without ceasing, to feel Him with every breath, to be not only aware of Him but in full and absolute submission. He wants to set me truly free from even my emotions.

Fearful of this, I have been running. I tried.. and I failed to enjoy His presence constantly, getting distracted by work and relationship, by all kinds of things. Fear of failure tails me as I try and try and try, but I know He is with me.

It reminds me of a song by David Wilcox, That's what the lonely is for. Here is the Chorus:

When I get lonely ah, that's only a sign
Some room is empty, and that room is there by design
If I feel hollow - that's just my proof that there's more
For me to follow - that's what the lonely is for

--

God is showing me and calling me to so much more. I'm excited to see it all.

New car

2007-03-18T08:57:00.000-04:00

I decided in the past few weeks that I need to get a car. Working an hour out of town and depending on rides is taxing, not just on me. I didn't have to look much at all. Infact, in my searches, I could find much that I liked. I stopped and just asked God what He wanted me to buy. This car pretty much fell in my lap at an amazing price.

It's a 5 spd 2002 Kia Spectra GSX hatchback, fully loaded. Even has a factory sunroof, which is only on a few of these cars. It's a blast to drive and so darn cute. Heh, I love it when God provides.

His plans

2007-03-02T23:13:00.000-05:00

Tonight I was reminded once more that His plans are better than mine.

Friday night is usually my social night. I get together with friends, have a few laughs and just hang out. This week, there were no such plans. Infact, I found myself stuck at home. At first, it left me a bit down. Then I just decided to make the best of it and try to enjoy myself.

My parents had their friends over and I just sort of hung out with them, not expecting much of the evening. It was a lot better than I expected.

I got into a great discussion about God with my mom's friend. Hours and hours slipped by as we talked about God, about my relationship with Him and what it means to live a Christian life. The conversation was marked with real, raw emotion, true passion, true seeking and interest. It was real. It was refreshing for us both.

Going out with friends tonight would have robbed me of this time. It would have robbed her also from that refreshment. Even though staying home is the LAST thing I wanted to do, it turned out to be the best way to spend an evening.

His plans are better.

Time for God

2007-02-24T14:09:00.000-05:00

Well, as some of you know, I'm going through a very busy season. Things are great; life is filled to the brim and overflowing with opportunity after opportunity. So many things are happening, I couldn't possibly share them all. People are starting to believe in me; a lot of people, all at the same time, in different areas of my life. People are beginning to invest in me, real investments for my future. It's amazing, terrifying and exciting.

I've been faced lately with an abnormally busy schedule (even for me!). I work many hours a week and usually come home and go straight to bed. My weekends are getting filled with commitments and work as well. I'm exhausted.

I take time, every morning and every night, to sit with God. I pray and read my Bible twice a day and try to set aside time for worship as well.

Naturally, when you wake up before the sun comes up and try to focus enough to hear from God, and carry on a meaningful conversation, it doesn't always work. Lately I've found myself literally starving for Him: my energy level dropping, my focus shifting, my mood changing, even feeling physically unwell without a true connection with Him.

Realizing the cause of this, I know I need to cut something from my schedule. The cost of all these great opportunities is too high. I can't sacrafice my relationship with God.

The one thing that I'm leaning towards giving up is something of a dream of mine. Nevertheless, God dreams bigger and I know He will provide more for me.

Please pray for me as I walk though this season.

The Small Things Given by His Workers

2007-01-17T20:18:00.000-05:00

God moments happen all the time. Sometimes almost without notice, but always just when you need them. Sometimes, you get to play the part of the angel, offering a small blessing to a friend, family member, or even a complete stranger. Other times, you are the recipient of the love. Today was one of those days.

It's been a rough road the last couple weeks, filled with physical, emotional and even spiritual challenges. All the time God has held my head up and kept my eyes on Him, but only by His grace. It wasn't until today that I started to feel the weight of it all and let my spirits drop slightly.

It was then that God lifted my head high.

There was a fire drill at work today and we all had to leave the building. I was on break at the time, and nowhere near my desk. This left me as one of the unlucky few who couldn't grab their coat on the way out. I walked outside and began to shiver as soon as I stepped outside. I walked to the back to meet up with my section and my boss ducked out of the crowd behind me and slipped my jacket over my shoulders. On the way out he had grabbed my coat, (which wasn't really on the way exactly). It's the forethought and the intent that made the difference, not just the act and the care. It took some genuine compassion and extra effort. It was a great way to see God in authority.

I came home today tired, worn out and still, in some way, feeling the same edge and sadness that I felt earlier in the day. I took a moment to chat to my dad and he told me their was something on my desk he "found" at work and thought I might like. I went upstairs to find a piggy bank. My dad, knowing how I love and collect pigs, saw this and thought of me.

The simple things can teach us so much about the love of God. They can do so much to change a bad day. Do you acknowledge these things? Do you make an attempt to facilitate these special moments?

The Big Question: Are you living it?

2006-12-12T13:48:00.000-05:00

Every one has that moment, that one conversation, that one interaction, that one sermon, that calls them into the ultimate accountability and the big question demands an answer. Are you living it?

I accepted the Lord into my life a couple years ago and He rocked my world. I fell in love with Him and started to serve Him with ALMOST everything I had. I did a mission, I served in a variety of ways in my home town and elsewhere, I preached and I preached some more, I taught children, adults, friends even about the mysteries of my God. I served in practical ministries constantly. I read my Bible and prayed throughout the day everyday. But, until a couple weeks ago, I had never felt the true call of accountability. Are you living it?

It all started as a friendship drew closer, a friendship with someone of a different belief system, looking at Christianity from the outside. We started to have frank discussions. During these conversations, void of any judgment, he would accurately observe that those who carried the name of Christ were not quite living as examples of Him. He would look around himself and observe that many Christians hadn't read their Bible even, although they would tell you it was filled with truth. He would point out that certain "believers" would only live a Godly life on Sunday and maybe a day or two during the week for assorted church functions, but in their personal life, you see no difference.

I went home after the first of these conversations and prayed. I asked God to reveal to me the areas I wasn't giving up to Him. I ask God for this accountability. (Never pray that unless you want an answer! You'll get one!)

God revealed to me the small and big ways that I don't acknowledge Him. He showed me the ways that I choose to do it on my own, that I choose to walk without God and not give glory to Him.

Since that prayer, life has changed. My eyes are more fixed on God. I realize my every step is being watched, not just by a close friend, but by other non-believers and believers alike and also, most importantly, I am being watched by my God. God, as mighty and powerful as He is, as all knowing, as strong and secure, I often forget his tender heart. I see that when I don't give glory to Him, when I run without Him, I hurt Him. That is the last thing I want to do.

I'm learning, day by day, error by error, to walk with Him. Imperfect as my walk still is, it's coming as God and his children, both those who acknowledge their line and those who don't, call me into accountability.

Thank you to that friend for continuing to call me into accountability, for asking the right questions and challenging me to live according to my faith.

God of Details

2006-11-23T14:22:00.000-05:00

"[You] are intimately acquainted with all my ways." -Psalm 139:3b

I always knew the God was a personal God, and that He cared for each of us individually, but I think there were incredible limits to that understanding. I didn't realize or accept the depth of God's involvement. What does that scripture mean? Intimately acquainted.

Over the last couple years, God has been refining my understanding, my heart knowledge of his character. Through various trials and blessings, (which, might I add, are often one in the same,) God has taught me new lessons about his character. The last couple weeks He refined this even further.

God is a God of the details, intimately acquainted with all our ways, all our circumstances, our hurts, desires. God knows, intimately, feels them even inside of Himself, every bit of excitement, every dream and aspiration. God feels our fears and our hurt, our anxiety, all of it. He is connected to us in those things.

So what does this practically mean? Where is God in the everyday? My view was always that God cared more about the big issues, the job issues, the living situations, the health problems, the obedience issues than the tiny little seemingly unimportant issues.

I know for myself, and for many others, it's the tiny things that make us tick. I love my cup of tea in the morning, a good book by candle light, a friend to laugh with, an email when I log online. It's these tiny things that make life so beautiful. Yes, we find great jobs now and then, we live in a comfy home, and praise God for our good health, but there's so much more to life. Does God care about those things?

He does!

Last week, for me, was a silly example of God caring for the intimate details. I wanted a cat. I've wanted a cat for ages now. I tried everything in my power to get one, but for many reasons it wasn't possible. I gave up. I sat down, closed my eyes and said, "God, You know the desire of my heart. If it is Your will, please Lord, provide a way for me to get a cat."

The next day, my brother called from Montreal. He asked if he could move home, and bring his beautiful cat. Days later I had my little brother back and a kitty to snuggle with. I never would have thought that this was an option, but this was the only way that all of the problems of having a cat could be solved.

Every time I look at the cat, I see God's love. God was intimately involved in the details. He sees those tiny things that make life that much more beautiful and He longs to bless us with those. God is intimately acquainted with all our ways.

Acquire the Fire

2006-10-31T00:42:00.000-05:00

Now, most of you would think I'm going to write about the conference, but to honest, there's not much to say about it. It was a dud. It was like watching a never ending commercial. Yuck. Nevertheless, on the weekend I did acquire the fire. It came not through preaching or worship, but through fellowship and prayer. Allow me to explain.

A friend came to visit from up north for Acquire the Fire, a youth conference. A couple of my friends came and we met up with a couple of his friends as well. It was these relationships that ended up being a catalyst for us each individually. The conference ended rather early on Saturday and feeling slightly "underfilled" we decided we needed more fellowship. We went back to a friend's house and just prayed together.

This was no normal prayer time, but a passionate meeting with God. We sat there, 5 of us, on a friend's bed, huddled in a circle, praying. The Holy Spirit fell on each of us and every one streamed down tears of joy and release. The Lord spoke words to each of us individually, through each other. He said exactly what we needed to hear, to both encourage and radically stimulate our faiths.

The prayer time was perfect. Divine. I felt positively renewed.

And then..

We all know how this story. Satan attacks.

My grandmother died last night and I fell back into a worldly perspective. It seemed like everything was going wrong.

I went out with a friend tonight, just to have some fun and God brought to mind the date. I realized it's been two years today that I was baptized. I started to think back over the last 2 years and compare who I was to who I am and my spirit began to worship.

We hung out and played pool for awhile and then decided to go back to my friend's house and simply watch a movie.

Half way through the movie, my phone rang. It was a friend from Hawaii. She was calling to encourage me in the Lord, knowing nothing of my current struggle. We spoke for almost an hour, maybe more and through her, the Lord spoke everything I needed to hear to put me back in that spiritually renewed place.

I opened my journal to make a couple notes and it opened to the page from Saturday. On that page I had wrote something God spoke to me, before the prayer time, it read, "When you are weary, I'll send my workers."

This is my God.

Dare to Dream

2006-10-19T14:30:00.000-04:00

"Faith looks back and draws courage; hope looks ahead and keeps the desire alive." -The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge

I remember vaguely sitting on a rock on a point that jutted out into the ocean during my time in Maui. I remember, I was sitting alone; I had gone there to sit with God. It was my last few weeks on the island and I was taking time just to thank God for the season He had given me there. In that moment, with my eyes closed, I heard God's voice asking me to simply open my eyes and look around me. I did and I fell into an even deeper praise for Him, thanking Him for considering me worthy to share this paradise with, flirting with the idea that He even created this for the purpose of my enjoyment.

God caught my heart just then and again I heard Him speak. There was no mistaking his voice. He called out to me, with a sort of passion and power that only the Lord could speak. The Lord said,

"Oh, what your eyes will see! This is just the beginning!"

Almost a year has passed since that conversation with God and the pains of life have caused me to push that deeply within myself, almost forgetting the promise entirely. My passion is not gone, but tamed and there's a stillness to me that I have to confess I know to be far less than what God has created me for.

Words of friends, family and the little voice in my head have offered reason to why those dreams need to pass away. I fought it for a time, until I grew too weary and gave in. I admitted to myself that.. perhaps.. I'm holding a breakable promise. I'm allowing desire to be my God.

God cried out again and reminded me, but I ignored it and so as recently as a few months ago, the last of it was silenced. I ignored the promise once more.

Today I was reading a book, The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge, and God showed me again that these dreams are what He gave me. I can never dream bigger than He does. I can never ask too much of Him. He longs to bless me, to take me on the very same adventures that my heart longs for, because that longing was created by Him.

He wants to prepare me for these adventures. He wants me to search my heart, to grow in relationship with Him, to be prepared to go wherever He takes me, but never does He ask me to cease to dream! Yes, my dreams may change and some may pass away as I am refined, but only to make way for greater dreams still. The dreams that the Lord dreams for me are so much larger than the dreams I could ever dream for myself. I submit to that truth and still, I dream.

Don't let your passion fade away. Don't silence it like it is some childish immature bit of you that refuses to submit to reason. God does not move in reason. God is BEYOND reason. God moves in love. Don't let the everyday trials, tribulations and even the routines take from you the very passion that God has instilled in you.

You are created as a passionate being! Run with your passion! Dream with your passion! Dare to dream!

Giving up the Reins

2006-10-12T11:59:00.000-04:00

Here I was, God and I, riding in a cart pulled by two giant horses. We're flying through the woods at very high speeds and it's completely out of control. I'm driving and God is beside me. I'm terrified and I can't get the horses to stop. I'm trying as hard as I can, but I can't seem to do it. The more time passes the more out of control the situation gets. I'm trying, I'm trying and I'm trying, but I just can't get the situation under control. God leans over to me, calmly and says, "May I?" I know he can do it, without any effort at all, but I refuse. "No, I need to do this," I say, "I know I can. I just know I can." God just waits. Things get wilder and more desperate, exhausted I hand him the reins and in seconds the situation is calmed. - Adream/vision I had

Well, that pretty much says it all. I want to try. I want to sort it out and God is saying, "Hey, you don't need to. Let me do it." I still want to try, because I feel like "I" need to figure it all out. I feel like I need to be self-sufficent, but no, God says, "Let me take over."

Wow, how humbling it is to say, "I can't." I still want to try. I still want to figure it out. I'm struggling to give up the reins to a God who is so completely in control.

The Reason for my Pain

2006-10-11T21:27:00.000-04:00

The battles God calls us to, the woundings and cripplings of soul and body we all receive, cannot simply be ascribed to our sin and foolishness, or even to the sin and foolishness of others. When Jesus and the disciples were on the road one day, they came upon a man who had been blind since birth. "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents?" they asked him. "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." And with that Jesus spat on the ground, made some mud to place on the man's eyes, and healed him (John 9:1-7).

Many of us who are reading these words have not yet received God's healing. The display of God's works through our wounds, losses, and sufferings is yet to be revealed. And so, we groan and we wonder. - The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge (page 61)

Anyone else feel like this? Anyone else look at their hardship and wonder, where was God? Where is God? Or ask the simple, yet profound question, "Why?" "Why me?" "Why here?" "Why now?" I think I have spent a long time asking all the wrong questions. I asked God many times what I did to deserve this or that. Or why such and such a person would do such a crappy thing to me, sometimes reasoning that it's just their own struggles, their own personal sin.

I'm beginning to learn, after many personal trials, struggles, hurts and hardships that God is not doing things to me, but for me. All things are for my good, even the hardship. Is it possible, that like Job, God unleashes darkness on me? Is it possible? Maybe. Is it possible that it's not people hurting me through their indifference or own personal material lusts, but instead lessons from the Big Guy constructed perfectly for me?

Is it possible that all hurt and hardship is for my own good? Possible? Yes. Infact, I think it's the only logical answer. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," is not just an old cliche but this is a tag line for the gospel. If you realize that God is in the business of redemption, which he so clearly is, we can reason that even in our own lives, our hurts are only used for the glory of God. And in the end, so that we can be risen up with Him.

How is God using my recent or even distant hurts for His glory? Often, I couldn't tell you. I do remember the times that I have shared my testimony though. Not MY story, but God's story of my life. It's a story of redemption. It's marked with hardship and hurt, aspects of it which would grab at any heart, but the larger story, the story that ends with God's touch, is one of gentleness, compassion and grace.

No part of the story dims the pain, or removes the scars, but you can see, you can clearly see where God came in my life and when He did when He arrived. The story is not about me; it's about God in me. He redeemed me from being that broken child crying herself to sleep and changed me into a independent, strong, passionate woman. The transformation is God revealing His absolute power and love.

Yes, hardship still remains and still sometimes I find myself postured as that little girl, crying myself to sleep. I find myself still hurting, but I can look back, I can look way back now and see, even in the times of hardship, where God was. I can see what He has done since then, in healing and redeeming those times and I can see Him still working. I can see Him teaching me to have Him and Him alone as the foundation of my life. I can hear him whispering, "Be still."

So, who sinned? What did I do to deserve this or that? Nothing. You're just teaching me. I love to learn, Lord. Sometimes I want to ask You to make the lessons a little more gentle, but I would never remember them with such power if they were any easier to navigate. Thank you for being my strength during hardship. I know that with You, there is nothing I can't face.

Conversations with God

2006-10-01T09:26:00.000-04:00

I sat down today to spend some time with the Lord. I needed to wrestle through some fresh hurts and frustrations. I was at a loss for words and every time I went to speak, I had no words to say. Instead, I started to journal. This was meant to be a private conversation, but I don't feel like it should stay that way. This is raw, real emotion, completely unedited. I hope it helps someone through their own trials and tribulations.

I surrender to the new nail in my flesh. I will not fight against it. I certainly won't try to fix what You break or keep what is not mine. I won't look at my heart, but instead at Your redemption. I need nothing but You, my God.

"You can have all the world, just give me Jesus."

God, You are all I need. No social life, no job, no man could ever fill me, yet a single touch from You fills me to overflowing. It is You I long to be with. It is You. I want to sit at Your feet and learn from You. I want to jump into Your arms and be held by You. My desire to be loved is fulfilled in You.

The messages if the world tell me that I'm not enough, but I know that if I were much more, I would be too much. My brokenness is what allowed me to respond to You. My failure reminds me where I need to run. My hurts takes me back to my Healer. My sorrow is defeated by Your joy.

There is nothing I fear when I sit with you, Daddy. There's nothing that can hold me back, or keep me down. Yes Lord, I am being nailed to the cross by the world, being told, "You, Kim, are not enough," but Lord, it is there that I will be resurrected.

"Don't judge your value by your success."

You have a different standard. You are proud of me for never giving up. You have held my broken heart in Your hands. You have seen the broken places. Yet you see me on my last beat, still trying to love. You are proud of that. I never stand down from a fight, instead I run in trying to win for Your Kingdom. You don't care if I ever have a victory, but you are honored in my pursuit. You ask me to be still and I struggle, but I'm learning, Lord, to lie at Your feet.

When you say, "Run!" Lord, I will be on my feet so quickly to place my hand in Yours and run. When you say, "Lie down, be still," I feel like that kid in gym class, belly down, face to the wall, waiting for the blow of a whistle to start a race. All other sounds become strangely silent, as if the whistle is the only sound at all, and I can't hear You, telling me again to lie down, be still. I move my feet a little and place my hands up under my chest, ensuring that I can get up quickly and run. I hear You yell, "Don't cheat!" I lie down once more. A moment later I find myself in the same position, though it's not my desire. Teach me to be still.

Running is so much more fun than resting. Lord, I love to sit at Your feet, but I love much more to run the race with You. There's risk, endurance, strength, training required and opponents to beat. In the stillness, I only wrestle with myself. It seems much less alive.

It is here that I sit on my very own Patmus. I wait for only You know what. I rest and stay still, cheating often. I rest though. I remove, no, I find more and more nails and thorns that have pierced my core, but for them, I find meaning, redemption of the old self and my wounds heal. A season of thorns and wounds, infections and pain, yet also healing and redemption, peace and... dare I say...joy! I want to rest with You, Lord. Teach me to rest.

Note: Patmus is the island the disciple John was exiled to, and also where he received the revelation that is written as the last book of the Bible.

Your Beloved

2006-09-26T11:17:00.000-04:00

I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are your works,
And my soul knows it well. - Psalm 139:14

I was talking to God this morning about my "counselling" session from last night. (About some things I agree with and others that I didn't.) One of the things that came up was that I needed to recognize my position in His kingdom, and His love for me. One of my big issues is that I don't have much self worth.

I can give you many reasons why I lack self worth, old words and painful experiences, but, as was pointed out last night, only one reason truly stands; God's enemy is trying to keep me from believing that I am His beloved.

"The worst thing you can do to a son of a king, is convince him that he is not a son of a king"-Unknown

As I prayed this morning, I asked God to show me that I'm His beloved, to give me something, more than scripture, that I can reference each day to show me God's love for me. I asked God to show me that I'm special in His kingdom.

I looked down at my wrist. On my wrist, for over a year now, I have been wearing a blue ribbon. I took it off a card that was given to me on my 20th birthday. This was a day that will forever stand out in memory. My whole community in Paia, Maui celebrated my birthday with me. The celebration went from 5am until well past curfew. This is something that isn't done for everyone, in fact, the nature of living in such a large community is that most birthdays get forgotten. For that day I was significant.

Now, since a year has past and I'm no longer living there, many of those friends are no longer a part of my life. Most I will never see again and only a few do I still speak to. I wrote off that day, simply as being a moment passed. Looking back today I see it more clearly than I ever had.

That day was not those people saying "Hey, let's celebrate Kim." Instead, it was God saying it. It was God putting it on the hearts of a community. It was God directing their steps. It was God saying to me, "My Love, you ARE significant to Me. No matter where you are, what you are doing, who you are with, I will show you the depth of My love."

I am His beloved. He has chosen me. He has plucked me from my past and redeemed me.

God, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. No matter how much I doubt myself, or how much the world tells me otherwise, I know, in the bottom of my heart, that You did a good work and that You are continuing to do the same. I know that You made no mistake in my creation. I know that You are proud of me, Dad. I feel Your smile. I know that You love me.

I don't understand Your love, God. I don't feel deserving of it. I don't know why You have chosen me. I doubt I will ever fully grasp it, but I am forever thankful to be called Yours. I am Your beloved.

The walls that built my prison

2006-09-19T16:06:00.000-04:00

I sat down last night with one of my closest friends to catch up on life. We ended up talking about our struggles and soon realized that our current struggles are much the same. I was comforted to hear that a friend is sharing the same trail and I was encouraged to hear the pursuit to overcome it. I realized that I needed to share publicly this trial, because many others are likely going through the same thing.

My walls, the walls I built to protect myself have become a prison, complete with iron gates and I forgot to make a key.

The last year of my life, as I have said before, has been very difficult. I've been hurt by a lot of people, in a lot of different ways and all of them, every single one, was a brother or sister in Christ. The wounds cut deep, even taking me back to earlier hurts. As a result, I closed up. I stopped letting people into my heart. I started to think my way through my relationship, instead of feeling it. I started to operate in a reason manner, rather than emotional. In essence, I stopped feeling entirely, in the contexts of relationship.

Now, this, of course, was not intentional, but rather an unconscious survival mode. Nevertheless, this is where I stand now. I have unknowingly created walls to protect myself and these walls have trapped me in, making authentic relationship nearly impossible. How do you get out when you don't know how you got in?

I was praying and looking through my journal and I started to realize something.

The last year has been a tough, tough road. I stepped on rocks and sticks that cut into my flesh and left wounds. The miles that I put on, even on soft soil, would wear the skin right off. The road now is gentle grass covered path, but my raw and wounded feet know no different. Still every step is against a wound. I realized in that moment that like this my feet will never heal. I need to stop walking. I need to sit down, clean out the dirt and allow the skin to grow over and cover the wounds. There may be scars in the end, but I will be well to walk once more.

A broken heart can only offer broken love.

I hope that someone is encouraged by this. Please know that there's a lot of other people out there struggling through this, not just you. Be still. Take time to allow God to heal those wounds. Ease into new relationships, new friendships, even old friendships that are being made new. There's no rush to let people in. Your heart is still raw. Let it heal.

Transfiguration on the Mountain Brow

2006-09-06T11:36:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks ago now I met a couple people. First I met this super cool guy at a Home church and we teased each other horribly. We started hanging out and I found he was a super passionate Christian with similar beliefs and an awesome sense of humor. Then I met this other person. It was a girl, a Jewish Christian who loves the Lord, but has a lot of questions. Finally, I met the last of our group, an incredibly passionate girl , loving, caring and very devoted Christian.

The night we all met we decided to make a late night trip to the Mountain Brow. It's this beautiful spot that overlooks the entire city. It's quiet, away of the busyness and a great place just to chat. It was around 2am by the time we arrived there. The four of us started sharing testimonies, talking about God in our lives and challenging each other in different areas.

Before leaving we decided to take a moment to pray. The prayer time was not just a simple normal prayer time, but instead filled with prophetic utterances, visions and exhortations. Each of us walked away that night forever changed by the time together.

Last night the four of us found ourselves together again, sitting at a Dairy Queen. I laughed to myself slightly as I sat back and realized the depth of our conversations. Again we were in deep discussion of true Christian living, what it looks like and how do we do it. We were challenging one another and making the scriptures real. There were tears and laughter. There was joy and pain. There was a TRUE authenticity that you don't find everyday.

The four of us have been sharing a type of true fellowship which challenges us and forces us to really examine our lives. It offers us support, guidance and love in a world that often seems absent of it all.

I want to encourage all of you to seek out the same sort of fellowship, if it is standing on the mountain brow or if it is in a church, a school or wherever you find yourself. Meet with God and invite others to do the same. God loves community. Let Him use those around you to bring a transformation and transfiguration in your own life.

The Everyday

2006-07-11T15:28:00.000-04:00

For not one of us lives for himself and no one dies for himself; for if we live, we live for the Lord, or if we die, we die for the Lord; therefore whether we live or die, we are the Lords. -Romans 14:7-8

Back in my home town now, I'm finding it more and more difficult to live that life. I'm finding it a huge challenge to remain the Lord's. I'm finding it difficult to sit at His feet, to enjoy Him, to serve Him even.

Out in the world, when you are sent to serve, it comes easily. You know during those times that you are sent with purpose. You have a job to do, a responsilbity even, for the body of Christ. Back here, I just am. I just live. I just serve in the day to day. It doesn't seem nearly as... charged?

There doesn't seem to be any risk involved, and it doesn't really come at a cost. For me, the risk and cost are what keep me focused. Here, I struggle to focus.

I'm realizing now that this is likely a large part of the reason I'm here. I need to learn to be disciplined in the day to day. I need to be like a "weaned child" against His chest, where I seek nothing, yet just enjoy Him. This is the challenge.

Mistakes

2006-07-04T15:19:00.000-04:00

Yes, my second blog of the day. It's about time, eh?

So, I was sitting there praying and telling God that everything that's going on must be some mistake. I was not thinking that God made a mistake, but instead that I did. God reminded me that He doesn't make mistakes and even my mistakes are not too big for Him to handle.

A simple, yet profound revelation.

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them. -Psalm 139:16

I can look back on the last year, two years, or more and tell you almost every mistake I made. I can tell you about my mistakes in many different areas of both my personal and professional life. I can see how this mistake took me this direction and that one another.

As I was sitting with God today, I asked Him if this was my fault, if this is my "reward" for my mistakes made. Not a punishment, but a consequence. God stopped me in my tracks. He clearly told me that this is Him, this is not consequence or mistake. Nothing gets by Him.

He brought me back to Moses. He reminded me of Moses' mistake, and the consequence of that. Moses' killed and Egyptian and had to flee to Midian where he tended sheep. (Exodus 2) This wasn't a short time, Moses spent 40 years there tending sheep. Wow, what a harsh punishment, eh?

No, this was not a punishment or consequence, this was the training ground. It is during those 40 years that God began to mold, refine and train Moses for his later mission. Is this to say his sin was justified? Absolutely not, but forgiven before he did it. The time in the wilderness likely wouldn't have happened if he had not sinned, but that time is used for good, not for bad.

I can tell you that I've made many mistakes and some that have played a role in where I'm at now. Some is simply situational, but some was also decided by bad choices I made before. The world would tell us that we just need to make the best of a bad situation, but God tells us that there is no bad situation. Yes, I might be spending my 40 years in the wilderness now, but is God absent from that? Are God's hands tied? Absolutely not.

On the day of my birth God knew where I would be sitting right now. He knew also that I would be writing this blog for all of you to read. God knew that you would be sitting there right now reading it. He knew how it would make you feel, what it would make you think. What brought you or I to this place is really of no consequence, because God is bigger than all of that. He is bigger than all of our mistakes, all of our trials, hardships, tribulations. God is in control.

How awesome is our God?

Forgive yourself for whatever is troubling you. Say to your sin:

Now, therefore, it was not you who sent me here, but God -Genesis 45:8a

God is in control.

Hope

2006-07-04T15:03:00.000-04:00

We also exult in tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. - Romans 5:3-5

June 3, about a month ago, I posted an entry about God's proven character and how hoping in that does not disappoint. A month later, sitting on a couch in my parents' house, struggling through a difficult season, I have seemingly forgot all about that entry.

Life went crazy a couple weeks ago and now life looks very different. I'm in a different place. I'm no longer providing for myself. I'm at the mercy of others. I'm without some of my most important possessions and closest friends. On top of all that, I'm dealing with the most difficult spiritual, emotional and physical trials I have ever dealt with.

Fearing depression (and all that comes with it.. which is a reasonable fear for someone with my past,) I started to grab at anything and everything to keep me afloat. It started out with me grabbing God, but I lost grip on Him. I stopped trying. I stopped praying simply because it was hard. I stopped reading the word because I was tired and it seemingly did no good. Since then I've been grabbing everything else. It's been everything from romantic relationships, to friendships, to plans, possessions, hobbies, songs, etc. Of course, people can't be my hope, because they are fallen and finite. They mess up. They walk away. They don't love like God loves, which is what I need. Plans can't be my hope, because they don't always, (don't often?) work out. Possessions, well, you guys can figure the rest out. All of those "hopes" are far less than what I can have. The hope is far weaker, far more breakable I fear.

My hope in the Lord was originally that He fix this and fix that. I'm seeing how even that is a breakable hope, a hope in my plan. My hope now is not that everything gets tied up in a pretty little bow, that the sun starts shining and a year down the road I laugh at this whole adventure. My hope now is that the Lord goes with me. Where am I going? That's up to Him. What is happening? In His hands. My hope needs to rest in who I know God to be. God is in control and God is an awesome God.

Coincidence?

2006-06-18T08:30:00.000-04:00

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them. - Psalm 139:16

I must admit that nearly half of everything I experience seems like some sort of chance happening. Life just seems to simply happen to us. It doesn't feel planned, rather much more random and chaotic.

Looking back on the last couple years, I can remember vividly those moments when I felt this way. The moments seemed insignificant at the time, just a chance encounter or such. In hindsight, it's these very moments that have shaped much of who I am and even where I am now.

I'm realizing now that nothing is left up to chance. (Yes, it's taken me this long.) Everything, every meeting, every interaction, every place I visit and every person I pass in the street, it is all planned by God. There's nothing that happens that God misses or forgets. He plans it all.

Life, (somehow), gets much easier when you realize this and rest in it. When you see that God has planned everything and rest only in His plans, suddenly, there is nothing left to worry about. (Of course, resting in it is what we all struggle with!)

As I go through yet another season of change and find myself feeling the weight of many different decisions, I'm reminded once again to be still and rest in Him. I'm reminded of the scripture:

Commit your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it. - Psalm 37:5

Whatever you're going through right now, know that God is with you, God is for you and God has a plan to use this season for mighty things in your life. Nothing is left to chance. Nothing is a coincidence. God is with you every step of the way.

Proven character

2006-06-04T01:12:00.001-04:00

We also exult in tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. - Romans 5:3-5

I was praying the other day and God brought this scripture to mind. I read it and meditated on it and I saw something I had never seen before. I've read this scripture a hundred times and I've heard it included and focused on in so many sermons, still, I've never seen this.

I understood that this scripture was about persevering through trials and tribulations, pushing through, no matter what. It was the next part that I was mistaken about. I always thought that the "proven character" that it talks about was our own. I thought that as we go through challenges we show ourselves, we prove to ourselves who we are, and what we can endure while still seeking Him. This is, of course, part of it, but only the smallest part. So little of this depends on us.

The proven character that this scripture talks about is not our own but God's. As we through different types of hardship and see how God handles us in love we are able to more fully depend on Him. We learn about God's grace, for us and for others. We learn of His provision. We learn and it is proven without a doubt that God will never forsake us. We see Him stand by us through all types of trials and through this we learn so much about His character.

As we learn about His character, we are able to shrug off trials and tribulations which before would have broke us, because now we can trust in the character of God which was proven to us in our dark seasons before. When we hope in the character, the power, the love and the sovereignty of our God we will not and cannot be disappointed.

It is for this reason that I'm thankful for the last... 5 months. I've been through many trials, persecution, rejection and just general hardship. It has been a dark hour, yet I have come out having learned so much. It is not to say that I don't still hurt, because I do. These wounds will take a lot of time to heal, but still I consider them a blessing.

I have learned so much about the Lord through this. He has revealed to me even more of His character, His love, His sovereignty and His provision. Someone sent me an email a little while back saying that I am the cat that always lands on my feet; now, when I think about that statement, I see why that is. The Lord catches me, carries me, flips me around and sets me down gently. Yes, I still took a fall, but He was with me all the way.

Can you look back now on some of your personal hardships and see things that the Lord taught you? Can you see how He revealed Himself to you during those times? Can you see His provision, His love, his sovereign nature? Can you see how He caught you? The Lord doesn't leave us when things get hard; He stands by us in our hour (or hours) of suffering. He weeps and prays for us. He takes each and every trial and redeems it. What have you learned about the Lord in your recent trials? Praise Him for that experiential knowledge.

Da Vinci Code

2006-05-21T05:12:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I couldn't resist. I went to see it. I read the book, I did my research, so I decided to see the movie. It was action packed, exciting to watch, filled with mystery, suspense and controversy, everything our culture loves, everything the world loves.

I spent the majority of the movie just praying for the people watching it with me. The theatre was FILLED, not a single empty seat anywhere. Every show time for the night was sold out. So many people are hearing the lies of this film.

God's character takes a definate blow in this film. We are told that God is distant, Jesus is not God, God is heartless, and the church is based on a lie. We are told that our humanity is our God. In the film Silas, the Opus Dei monk, chastises himself, whipping himself in the name of God. This scene actually made me cry. All I could think was that God desires mercy, not sacrifice. Mercy, not sacrifice. Mercy, not sacrifice. The whole film that is what played in my mind. Mercy, not sacrifice. The sacrifice has been made already.

At one point during the film, I started to cry out to God on behalf of Dan Brown. I had revelation that he is a modern day Judas. Dan Brown was raised in the church and I have no doubt that at one point in his life, he knew the Lord intimately. I also have no doubt he was very hurt by the church. Nevertheless, Dan Brown started as a companion, a lover, a follower of Christ and walked away. Not knowing the impact of his actions, he sold out Christ, with things he knew held no truth. In the moment, he enjoys the reward, but I see the sorrow that he will feel when he again sees Christ face to face. It is not his punishment that I'm concerned for, Christ has paid the price for him; it is the guilt, the true desire to turn back time and change everything. I can feel his sorrow on that day when he truly sees how he was used as a tool against the truth. I pray for him as he realizes the impact of his story, how he led many astray.

Dan Brown still to this day calls himself a Christian. This is an excerpt from his personal website. When asked if he is a Christian...

"Yes. Interestingly, if you ask three people what it means to be Christian, you will get three different answers. Some feel being baptized is sufficient. Others feel you must accept the Bible as absolute historical fact. Still others require a belief that all those who do not accept Christ as their personal savior are doomed to hell. Faith is a continuum, and we each fall on that line where we may. By attempting to rigidly classify ethereal concepts like faith, we end up debating semantics to the point where we entirely miss the obvious--that is, that we are all trying to decipher life's big mysteries, and we're each following our own paths of enlightenment. I consider myself a student of many religions. The more I learn, the more questions I have. For me, the spiritual quest will be a life-long work in progress. " http://www.danbrown.com/novels/davinci_code/faqs.html

Join me in praying both for Dan Brown and for each and every person, Christian or not, who will see this film. Pray also that this opens many doors to share our faith. Defend the truth, but do it in love. Remember always that God would not allow this if it weren't able to be redeemed. This is a forum to share our faith, so share it! And pray. Keep praying.

Life in Maui

2006-05-10T04:38:00.000-04:00

God is busy in my life. He is very busy with blessing me. Life is awesome right now. Not only in the material world, but also in my spiritual life. (Which came first, I'm not sure.)

I've been going to work early and sitting on the beach beside my work. I've been spending just an hour every morning praying, reading the Word and worshiping God. It's been amazing! I go to work in the morning EXCITED to scrub a toilet. (Don't even ask me how that works!)

On Sunday, I bought myself a car. Three very special people helped me to get the money to buy myself a car. I bought a great little 92 Honda Accord. (Pictures to be posted soon as I take them!) After not driving for two and half years, and relying entirely on the grace of others for rides here and there, the independence is amazing! I've had it only a couple days, and I've already used a tank of gas, driving everywhere!

I moved in to a very large house in Kahului. It's a beautiful place with a great location. I'm staying here, (with a big screen T.V., amazing stereo system and jacuzzi) while I look for another place to live. Just today a family of 5 joined me here. They will be staying here as well. I'm praying that God opens up many doors for me to serve them.

I'm spending more and more time with the friends I've made here. Today after work we went down to a "locals beach" and hung out. We took a couple of great pictures, played frisbee, jumped in the water and stayed for a beautiful sunset.

Everything is going really well now. I'm realizing more and more how big God is and how small I am. I'm realizing how meaningless all the trials are and how glorious and powerful He is in our lives. I'm learning the meaning of surrender, true surrender, even at an emotional level.

The trials aren't gone, nor have they slowed down, but I've been able to see God during my quiet times with Him alone on the beach. I find myself constantly stirred to worship again. My heart is stirred to share about Him, to share the gospel and the freedom that comes with it. I am once again experiencing the joy in Christ.

Moving with the wind.

2006-05-07T14:38:00.000-04:00

Well, I was forced to move once again. The new apartment/new roommate/a surprise second roommate didn't work out. I'm staying back on the other side again in Kahului. I'm basically staying in my dream home, in Maui. God's favour? I don't know anymore.

The last couple months have been intensely difficult. I've been hurt by more friends than ever before. Actually, I've been hurt by more faithful, church going Christians than ever before. The list is long of the hurts I've been through, (and the places I've lived...) in the last 5 months.

I started work a bit late yesterday, so I walked down to the beach on my way to work. I sat down and just prayed and spent time with God, (half crying and half laughing at the last 5 months.)

God gave me a vision of myself as a sailor. He showed me that the wind are all of these circumstances; they will push me where He wants me to go. I just need to harness the wind, take hold of it, journey with it and allow it to take me where He is going. God showed me that when we are in the open sea, we can't see the shore. North, East, South, West, it all looks the same on the water. You can't even know where to aim the boat, how to harness the wind, without a compass, which is His Word. By holding true to what I've been taught, pointing my boat and allowing the wind to take me, I'm walking in His way.

So, what's next for me? Well, God only knows where my boat is headed. I can't see the shore. The storm is strong and scary, but I know He has me, firm in His grasp. Right now, I'm just going to harness the wind, live for the moment, and press deeper into the God who directs my path.

Praise God that He knows the way. Praise God that He is never surprised by circumstance. He knows and knew about all of this. Let the wind take you.

Moving day!

2006-04-29T15:36:00.000-04:00

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. - Seneca

(Believe it or not, a Roman philospher said that before Semisonic did.)

Well, my stuff is packed and I'm ready to go. I'm just waiting for my new roommate to come and get me. It's time to move again. I'm moving back to the city I lived in in January. I'll be living only a couple blocks from where I work in a studio apartment. I'm excited.

I'm not sure if I will have internet there or not. If I don't post for awhile, that's why.

God is doing a lot both in my physical situation, as far as living space, transportation, work and friendships, and also in my heart. I'm seeing God move in amazing ways. I'm going to take some time to post about all of this soon I hope.

Seeking His Face

2006-04-20T13:45:00.000-04:00

Six short months ago, I stood before a congregation in a small village on the island of Borneo, without a sermon, I preached. I preached my testimony. I told them what meeting the Lord did to me, how it radically changed my life. I told them how the Lord gave me hope, direction, peace, understanding, etc. I wept. I begged them, with all of my being, with all my tears, to share the gospel and allow the gospel to transform their lives. The passion, the power and the spirit of the Lord was all over me as I felt weak in the knees, weeping and preaching. I knew Him.

The last few months I've been going through a difficult season. I've lost something that I had back then. I can't speak with the same power. I can't weep when I speak of my savior, but why? What has changed? He hasn't. The story hasn't. It is my heart that has changed. It is me. I have changed.

I picked up my old journal today, in attempt to go back, to read the same verses, to evoke those memories and to seek God as I did then. I don't mean in a formulaic sense. I just wanted to get that heart again.

Nothing has changed since then. Even in me, the same spirit exists, the same passion. I'm just not tapping into it right now. My perspective is different now, but that's just a matter of refocusing myself. So what can I do, what should I do to get back to that place of true worship, true reverence? Well, I'm going to search the scriptures, I'm going to choose to worship even when I don't feel like it. I'm going to begin with a thankful heart, choosing to search for things to be thankful for, even when they are less obvious. Most importantly, I'm just going to pray and ask God to give me that heart again, to direct my eyes and show me His face again. I'm simply going to seek His face.

Passion

2006-04-13T23:06:00.000-04:00

Something has been missing these last couple months. I've seen it, I've felt it and wow, have I missed it. I wasn't sure what it was. I thought maybe it was purpose, but no, I had purpose, to some degree. I thought it was relationship, and in some smaller way, it was, but that is far less than what I was truly missing. Today, as I sat with my guitar, singing praises to God, I realized what was missing. It was my passion.

I've always had such an incredible passion for God. I simply desired to seek His face, day in and day out. I simply desired to worship. I was on fire for God. Everything I looked at, my friends from my DTS can tell you this, told me of God's greatness. I was constantly existing in a state of awe. (I know, it was most annoying to those around me.)

I remember my first time in the ocean with Jenny, I screamed and nearly cried. I was so much in awe firstly at the creation itself, as I breathed in the salty air, felt the cold water and the crashing waves and secondly, at the fact that I, of all people, had the opportunity to experience it! Wow!! I looked back at the beach and saw the palm trees. Wow! I saw the mountains to the right of me. Wow! This was God.

I walked into the small chapel where we held the lectures and worship times. I looked around me and saw over 30 people my age praising God with all of their hearts. Wow! This is God I thought. As I read the Word during my quiet time, everyday I would go running back to lecture and be on fire to tell everyone exactly what God told me. I wanted to share with them the passion for God. I wanted to tell them of the simple yet profound revelations. I wanted to see their eyes light up like mine were. Everyday, without fail, I ran back with something to share.

Somewhere between now and then, that passion faded. I have moments, but it isn't something I wake up with anymore. What happened? Where did it go? Has God changed? No! Did I change? Maybe. Is this just a season? Could be.

I don't wake up with the same wonder anymore. I don't wake with amazement. I don't take that extra second to thank God in the mornings. My quiet times aren't filled with me singing praises, but more just being quiet, being still.

I want that passion back. I want to burn with passion for the Lord. I want to seek His face and fall at His feet. I want to move in connection with the Lord. I want to praise Him with all of my being! I want to scream out His name and tell the world of His glory! I want to know the Lord like I did back then! I want that passion back!

Lord, grant me eyes to see Your beauty! Grant me eyes to see You in Your awesome creation! Lord, grant me eyes to see You in Your people! Lord, help me to see You in Your Word! Give me back that passion that I had before. Ignite my heart again, God! I want to burn with passion for You! I want to long to be with You! I want to spend every moment aware of You, walking with You, hearing You and feeling You! I'm not satisfied with what I have chosen now! I want more! I want more of You! I want more awareness, more passion, more desire to seek You! Ignite my heart, God! Ignite my heart again!

Praise You in this Storm

2006-04-10T19:27:00.000-04:00

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. - James 1:2-4

The last couple months of my life have been incredibly difficult. Everyday has had it's trials. Every moment has been a constant struggle. The trials have not just been outward struggles with the world, but very personal, deep cutting trials of the heart. The last couple months I have been in a fierce battle against depression. I've had moments where I've questioned if life was worth it, and even wondered if there is a God. Moment to moment I've had to refocus myself on God, on the scriptures, on the truth that in those moments I can't see. I've had to have faith to believe in something which seemed so contrary to all I was seeing in front of me.

During my quiet times with the Lord this week and last, I've spent a significant amount of time just journaling. I've been journaling a lot about my hurt, my frustration and even my disappointment. I realized at the different points that I was indeed questioning the character of the God that I love. I doubted even His goodness, His tender heart and His undying love for me.

I found myself writing on the page, "Quit focusing on your emotion". Many times I've looked around me and seen Christians so focused on the emotion that they get from God rather than being focused on God Himself. I hate that! I realized in that moment that that was where I was at. That has been where I've been at for a long time, to a lesser degree, but still there. I've been in this semi-existential walk. My love for God is determined by the success of my dreams, my visions, MY plans.

I heard a song that really impacted my heart called, Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns. It's all about giving God praise even when things are hard. The first verse is what really hit me, it reads:

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away

That perfectly captures the emotion, but also the truth. The emotion is real, it is accurate and warranted, but it is only a small part of the picture. The truth is in the God of the scriptures. If you search the scriptures you will see that God is always in control. Despite how we feel.

Through this season, I've begun to understand what it means to be made complete as is talked about in James 1:2-4. I can't just know God when the sun is shining. God is meeting me in this storm and I'm learning things about Him that I could never learn any other way. He is forcing me to discover that my faith is real. He is showing me the truth in His scriptures and the love in His character despite what the world throws at me. God is molding me, refining me and strengthening my faith.

Though it feels like I'm falling apart, the situation is really quite the opposite. Though the battle is against despair, the truth is the joy. This all-knowing, all-powerful, loving God, who has chosen me to be His own, is completely in control of everything in this world. This same God loves me so deeply that He desires to mold me, to shape me and refine me. He will never leave me. He will never forsake me.

You are who you are, no matter where I am. - Casting Crowns

God doesn't make trash

2006-03-30T21:25:00.000-05:00

I don't often post twice in one day, but who can restrain God? *smile*

For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no man may boast before God. But by His doing you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption, so that just as it is written, “Let Him who boasts, boast in the Lord.” – 1 Corinthians 1:26-31

This verse has been on my heart. I’ve really been wrestling with my self esteem lately. I’ve heard so many people, (especially lately,) tell me that God doesn’t make trash. I have found many ways of still convincing myself that I am indeed trash. God has spoke to me a lot lately about belonging, about my calling and His pursuit of me. He has told me how He loves me. These are all things I struggle to understand.

It was then that God brought this scripture to mind. He reminded me of who I used to be before I met Him, and how he has truly refined me, even redeemed parts of my life which were seemingly unredeemable. He brought me back to think of my testimony. He reminded me of the power in it, the way it shows His mighty power. It shows that I really had no part in it, apart of allowing Him to do His work, but even He brought me to that place where I could allow Him.

He brought me back to the moments when I shared my testimony, to street kids back in Canada, to a friend out on the west coast, to random strangers around a campfire in Hawaii, to churches in Indonesia, to strangers on planes and airport terminals, etc. He brought me back to see their faces, their eyes, their tears even. Not because of me, but because of Him. He brought me to a point where I could see the impact on their hearts, of people asking Him into their lives, surrendering to Him.

I look at myself and all I see is weakness, all I see is brokenness. God looks at me and all He sees is opportunity, beauty, and redemption. God doesn’t see fault in me at all. He sees me on this great road to being fully redeemed in Him. He sees me not at the beginning, or standing in the middle, or strolling along; He sees me at the end, in His arms. No matter where I am in the road, He still sees me in the same place: with Him.

God is using my weakness; He is using my faults to cleanse others. None of us are righteous, not even one of us. We are all in desperate need of Him. We are all broken: we are all weak and lowly. God didn’t make a mistake in me. No, God made me exactly as He needed me for His ministry. God made me to walk this path of brokenness, of weakness. He made me to learn, to grow, so that on the way to redemption I could meet with and walk with others. He made me this way so that I could walk with my brothers and sisters as we cross paths at different points on our walk. He made me to encourage and to be encouraged.

God made me so that He could be glorified through me. The glory is not in my perfection: the glory is in His redemption!

You did not choose me, I chose you!

2006-03-30T19:56:00.000-05:00

You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. - John 15:16

You know, when I look back on my walk using my fleshly eyes, I remember the moment I chose to walk with God. I remember it as being my choice, my pursuit of knowledge, of understanding, my quest for faith, but that is so far from what it was.

As I look back further, before that moment, I see the true pursuit, not when I pursued him, but when He pursued me! God, the one who created everything, fell in love with me and chased me until I was ready to turn my face to Him. He chased me into all the dark holes in my life, when I felt so far from any loving God. He chased me through my years of questions, of even anger at Him, He chased me there. Finally, He found me on my knees. I realized I couldn't run anymore, and He picked me up. He held me close.

From the moment I accepted Him into my heart, it felt like home. Everything made a little more sense. It was... home. It wasn't uncomfortable. It wasn't weird. It was a time of questions, of course. Although I had more questions than answers, some how it felt like I had finally found the answer to all of my questions.

For the first time in my life I had found what I was searching for; I found "home".

When I get really upset now, when I feel broken, scared, vulnerable, I cry out, I scream out in my heart, "I want to go home!" Home, to me, is not a place. No city, no community, no family is "home" to me. I've never really understood what "home" is to me, until today when I asked God to show me. Sometimes I think it is just the place, the spiritual place of being away from all of this, or maybe it is even death, but I've realized the truth is that "home" is in His arms.

It is there that everything makes sense. It's there that there is peace, passion, acceptance and love. It seems almost dismissive to simply call it passion and love, because it is so much more, yet it is not something mere language can describe apart from saying it is divine.

I've had trouble being in that place lately. I've had trouble resting with Him, curling up in His arms. I've honestly just had trouble surrendering. I've tried with all of my might, like I did for the first 18 years of my life, to make it through all my trials on my own, but I can't. I need to go "home".

In His arms, the storm doesn't stop. The rain still soaks through my skin, the wind still chills me to the bone and the thunder still screams so loud. Yet, somehow, in that place, there is peace within the turmoil. It is in that place that there a sort of peace that truly does surpass understanding. It's not the peace that takes away the storm, or even stops the effects of it, but somehow, in all of the pain and the suffering, you know, somehow you know, that you are safe and there is peace in that. When all else is slipping away, you find yourself there, at "home" and you know in that moment that you could lose everything and that peace would still remain.

God, come find me in that place again. Come find me on my knees. Come find me broken. Come find me now; now that I don't have the strength to run anymore without you. I'm in the place where you found me first. I am searching for you, please come find me here.

I Belong

2006-03-27T13:25:00.000-05:00

Jesus answered the one who was telling him and said, "Who is my mother and who are my brothers?" And stretching out His hand toward His disciples, He said, "Behold My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father who is in heaven, he is my brother and sister and mother." -Matt 12:48-50

Innately we all have a desire to belong. Some of us, most of us, find that in family. Those who don't, are left to search. Without a solid foundation, there are certain barriers you will struggle to cross.

All of my life I have been searching for something that I cannot find. I have looked in every hole, under every rock, in every community and family, yet still I come up empty handed and empty hearted. I have searched all my life for a place of love, acceptance and belonging.

I was made differently. I was made unique, without the companionship or support that most have. I've spent my life searching in all the wrong places for all the right things.

I want so badly to be loved. I want so badly to be irreplaceable in someone's life as is a sister or a daughter. I have never known this feeling, this sort of love. I don't mean in a romantic sense, because in many ways, I find that fleeting, but in the genuine love of a brother, a sister, a father, a mother.

The truth is that I will never be that to someone, but to God, I am. The best people are the ones who know their place at the table. Despite what I've always felt, I am at the table. I am created for a divine and beautiful purpose. The truth is that God made me exactly as I am. He could not love me more than He does at this exact moment and He will never love me any less. I am not perfect, but I am in the process of being made perfect.

To God, I'm so priceless that He bought me with the blood of His son. With Him I truly belong. He loves me even more than His own son. I have found what I've been searching for, I belong.

Naked I Came and Naked I Shall Return

2006-03-25T12:51:00.000-05:00

Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked I shall return there.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away
Blessed be the name of the Lord -Job 1:21

What a man Job was to be able to say that in the midst of a huge personal struggle, when he watched everything disappear before his eyes. What made him different? What made him special? What made him change his tune later?

In the last couple weeks, I've begun to really understand this passage. I've begun to understand the weight of the personal struggles, and what it really means to have everything stripped away. I've stared at this scripture many times, but I could not speak it. The despair in my heart has been intense.

As I studied Job, I realized that later in the book he seems to have the wrong idea of God's character and his tune and even his mood, his strength, seems far less than what it was. Still he chooses to praise, but only half of his praise and his mood is one of despair. Yes, the despair is real and warranted considering the situation, but how could he, and how can I, move from that position and into one of peace and joy that the scriptures command us to exist in?

With the help of a friend this week, I was able to refocus my attention, off of self and onto the Lord. He kindly pointed me towards a scripture that said it all too well;

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war
according to the flesh, for the weapons of our
warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely
powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We
are destroying speculations and every lofty
thing raised up against the knowledge of God,
and we are taking every thought captive to the
obedience of Christ - 2 Corin 10:3-5

Take every thought captive, what does that mean? Does it mean I don't acknowledge my pain? Of course not! It means that I cry out with all of my being, express my struggles, then move into praise. It means I take captive my thoughts of the temporal and focus them again on the eternal. The best way to battle the physical and emotional trials is to praise the maker, the one who created everything.

Paul asks the Corinthians "What do you have that you did not receive?" That is a question that I needed to ask myself. Is any part of what I have truly mine? No, it is all His. Am I deserving of any part of it, in hope I would say yes, but in truth, I would have to say no. In truth, I deserve death, (For the wages of sin is death... Romans 6:23) No part of what I have is mine.

Does God change when things get hard? Is He suddenly cruel? Does He suddenly favour the wicked? No! Not my God! This was Job's mistake! He forgot, if he had ever known, God's character. He didn't take those thoughts captive.

In Job's defence though, he didn't have the tools that we have today. He didn't have the scriptures or the Holy Spirit to be a guide to him. Praise God that we do! When in doubt, when it feels like all has been stripped away, turn back to the Word of God. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to be your guide.

God has not forgotten me. God will not forsake us! Praise God that He is faithful!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. - Phil 4:13

Fresh Salt in Open Wounds

2006-03-09T21:32:00.000-05:00

I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. - Galatians 2:20

This is the season of rejection. I received a word last night that this is a season where fresh salt will be poured on old open wounds. The sting is incredible. "Ah, I remember this feeling," my flesh cries out as I wince and coil away. I see it for what it is. I know this cut, I know this wound. I remember all the times it happened. I remember the first scrape and every time I accidentally pealed off the scab before it was healed.

Rejection is something I have dealt with often in my short life. It has taken many different forms in many different settings but the feeling is always the same. Many people respond in anger, but I can't muster up enough strength to be angry. My emotion comes in simple despair and low self worth.

This is rarely the intention of the words or actions of the people that surround us. No one wakes up with the intention of making another angry or causing them despair. (If the previous statement is untrue, allow me to believe it to be true for my own sanity.) Somehow though, all of us have the means to unknowingly cause another to feel as though they are rejected.

Right now, rejection is something that is very much in my face. It is like fresh salt on old open wounds, as said last night. It is starting to force me to face old hurts and even look at why I am feeling the way I am. How do I combat such an ugly feeling?

I'm beginning to learn that rejection is from my misplaced values. My value is being placed in my works sometimes. Am I doing enough to be someone of worth? Am I serving others enough? Am I being selfless? Sometimes, I place my worth even in what other people think. If they consider me to be a good person, if they consider me worthy to receive their love and support, I must be ok. The true is same for the contrasting views. If they don't consider me worthy, or even tolerable, I must be, well, trash.

Where should my value be? Where should my self worth come from? Where should my identity come from? It needs to come from Christ. Gal 2:20. I need to identify myself only with Him. The feeling of rejection is simply me taking my eyes off Christ and sinking into the depths of the sea.

Where are your eyes?

Heart of Stone

2006-03-09T04:07:00.000-05:00

Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. - Ezekiel 36:26

Each and every person has dealt with rejection at some point in their lives. For some, it was a deep cutting, obvious, consistent, long lasting, daily pain. For the lucky, it may have occurred only a few times. Nevertheless, we all have dealt with it in our lives.

That thought, that everyone has dealt with rejection, is very new to me. In fact, it was a revelation that came only tonight. Every person, no exceptions, has dealt with rejection. How sad is that?

As a result of rejection, we make decisions. We choose to puff ourselves up with pride sometimes, so that no one will ever cut you down. You don't need anyone! Sometimes, we will close ourselves off. We will refuse to take risks. If you're anything like me, you will avoid the pride thing, consider yourself worthless and attempt to turn your heart to stone. You close yourself off to emotion. You dry up that well of tears and convince yourself that you are fine.

I realized over the last couple weeks that I have, in all honesty, forgotten how to cry. It seems like a relatively simple task, which requires minimal effort, yet somehow, I can't remember how to do it. Now, I never would have thought for a moment that my heart was stone. I mean, come on, I love people. I love to help and serve. I have compassion on all people. I'm not angry or bitter. To say I have a heart of stone seems, well, untrue, to say the least.

Sitting at a bible study tonight, talking about being in touch with our emotions and how our emotions say so much about who we are, I realized that this is indeed something I struggle with. I have indeed closed my heart off to emotion. I won't allow myself to feel the same depths of the pain I experienced in rejection so many years ago and so, my heart became stone.

It seems as though the story should end there, but it doesn't. God has offered to change it back to a heart of flesh. He has offered me the true love and acceptance in Him that is so great that it covers any fleshly rejection. He has offered me a heart that can feel things so much deeper than I had ever felt before.

How do I get it? I simply go to Him, rest in Him and ask Him to soften my hard heart. I ask Him to heal me in those broken places, mend those cracks. I ask for a new heart. I trust Him and believe. My heart will again be new.

Do not grow weary!

2006-02-23T16:20:00.000-05:00

Let us not lose heart in doing what is good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. - Galations 6:9

Galations 6:9 has been the verse of this season. Do not grow weary. Many sleepless nights have faded by, and my body feels the weight of it. Meal times have passed and my stomach stayed empty, no appetite at all. My quiet times are distant and distracted at best. Every part of my physical and spiritual body feels the effects of this season.

Still, in God's strength alone, I press on. Ministry is everywhere and in everything. There are always places to serve and to be used by God. There are days when I wake up, if I had slept at all, and I have to look deep within to find the energy to get up. Some days I feel as though there isn't much to look forward to, apart of the challenges of the season. I feel myself begin to grow weary.

I spent some time doing some soul searching, asking some hard questions and I found that it is not the challenges that are causing me to lose heart, but the neglect in my most important relationship. I have my best friend, my lover, my savior living within me, yet I don't always talk to Him. I don't always just rest with Him. Infact, lately I've been struggling to do that at all.

Do not grow weary! I can't grow weary when I'm connected to Him. There's nothing I need when I'm in His presence, when I'm in His arms. I need to spend more time with Him.

A Season of Struggle

2006-02-17T17:08:00.000-05:00

Well, as most of you know, I am in Maui now. I arrived a couple weeks ago. I was fully certain that I was walking into a paradise with struggles and challenges but I found I was more walking into struggles and challenges in paradise.

From the moment of my arrival, nothing has gone as previously planned, even my pick up at the airport. From that moment forward, every second of everyday has been filled with intense challenges, unlike any I have experienced before.

I haven't started my job with the church yet, but I'm planning on it shortly. My days have been filled with a different type of relationship based ministry and various personal struggles. I am in the process of being stretched, molded, and refined. I'm coming to the end of my own abilities to cope, no matter serve. It is a wonderful place to be. It is now that the Lord can use me. It is now that the Lord can truly work through me.

I'm not alone in my struggles. Most - actually, it is ALL - of the church leadership right now are experiencing various types of severe personal struggles. Each individual is turning to the Lord. Various friendships are being strengthed with visits for prayer and fellowship. Each person, despite their own struggles, is taking time to step out and serve and pray for others.

God is fully present as well. He is not holding back His grace. Our church moved last week off the beautiful beach and into a historical theatre in the slums of this island. It was our first Sunday there and we had a great number of people. Our worship time was the best I have ever experienced in a corporate setting, not because of the music but because of God. Many were in tears, all were singing and praising the Lord as if the sun had been shining on them all. Through the worship leader's personal struggles and brokenness, we were taken to a place of sincere and true worship.

This is a beautiful season we are in. It is a season of much suffering, much pain, hurt, exhaustion and even desparation, but yet this is our chance to truly worship the Lord, not for what He has done but for who He is.

Pray for me and the leaders in the church. Pray that we see God in all of this. Pray that we seek Him always, in all things, despite all that is happening. Pray that we don't grow weary. Pray that we don't stand in our own strength. Pray that in this season, we begin to see the Lord in a new light, in a new way and come into greater relationship with Him.

Vancouver – Written Jan 29 9:18am Pacific Time.

2006-02-01T03:47:00.000-05:00

I’m sitting in my terminal right now in Seattle, WA. I have just left Stephen at security. As I sit here, I reflect on the ways I saw God this weekend. It is often the most unexpected places and situations that help you to see God and this weekend was like that. In Vancouver, Stephen took the last day and a half to show me around and welcome me into his community there. I had a chance to see sights I had always wanted to see, like Squamish for example. I also saw God through people, amazing people.

In nature, like Squamish and Lighthouse Park, I had a chance to truly appreciate the beauty of God’s great creation. I had a chance to see into God’s adventurous side, with the cliff faces dropping hundreds of feet, with slippery rock, so beautiful to hike along, with the perfect crack climbs, slab and overhangs. God knew exactly what He was creating and how it would simply awaken hearts and challenge the abilities and nerve of the most adventurous athletes. God is a wild God. He takes pleasure in our adventure even more than we do. I love this part of God’s character because I know this adventurous spirit is so present in me.

I also saw God through Stephen. The hospitality, sense of community and incredible unconditional and pure love in a friendship manner that he showed me, revealed to me even more of God’s character. God loves to listen, to hear, to share and to encourage each of His children. Stephen’s words of encouragement and even the listening ear he gave spoke to me much of God’s patience and tender heart. Stephen’s incredible desire to honour and respect people really spoke to me of exactly how God wants us to be the best individual we are, honouring us in the unique way that He created us. It was not hard to see aspects of God’s loving character in a man so honouring, respectful, loving and caring as a man like Stephen. It is a beautiful thing to be with people who require nothing of you and expect nothing of you yet are willing to support you, honour you and serve you to the best of their ability. (It is also slightly difficult to accept, yet awesome at the same time.)

I love that we can so clearly see God in the everyday, in the every moment that we live. We can see Him in people, in possessions, in situations, in nature, in media. Every where we look there He is, blessings us with the things that make us tick, that make us who we truly are. What an awesome God we have.

He loves us as we are. Each part of us, He put it there. It serves a purpose and He loves it. He loves even your adventurous heart, you fiery passion, you protective nature, all the things that we can describe ourselves as. Our God is so passionately in love with you. You are His most beautiful peace of art.

The First Steps of the New Journey

2006-01-28T12:20:00.000-05:00

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified. - Romans 8:28-30

I’m sitting here in the Calgary airport between flights, waiting on my last flight of the day to Vancouver. As I sit here, I can’t help but think, I do not belong here. There is no reason why a girl like me should have the opportunity to travel all over the world.

Last night, as I said my goodbyes to my friends, I hugged Jer and as I stood in his arms, the Lord reminded me how he played such a big role in this journey. Where would I be had he not shared the gospel with me? Surely, I would not be here. I would not be doing this. Proof of how the gospel changes lives.

This morning as I flew into Calgary, I looked out the window and saw the mountains off in the distance. I have seen the mountains in books, movies, television and newspapers, but I never expected to be here. I was again reminded of how little I deserve any part of this.

The Lord brought me to Romans 8:28-30. Wow, this packs so much, doesn’t it? First off, this is God working miracles in my life because I love Him. (I’m not saying travel is the only miracle you can receive or that I somehow more loved by God. I’m simply saying that He is working miracles in my life at this time as promised.) How cool is that? My God loves me so much that He is giving me the life I has always dreamed of. He is calling me to more and more and everyday the picture just gets sweeter.

God knew before I did, before my birth even, that I would be His one day. He even knew the day. Though I cursed Him and hated the very idea of His existence, He still called me. He created me solely for this purpose, knowing full well all my choices along the way. He wrote it in the pages of life that I would indeed be conformed to His image, in His time.

He used Jer to call me to Himself at exactly the right time. If it weren’t Jer God would have used someone else, but I’m so glad to He used Jer. Jer was not only the one to point the way, but to also walk it with me. The friendship that has resulted is a sort of bond that can never be broken, torn or forgotten. No matter where I am, He will always be my brother.

God justified me. He washed me clean. I’m not only forgiven for all of my sin, and my curses against the Lord I now love to so deeply, but all of this is also forever forgotten. It is erased, as if it never happened at all.

This is my God. It’s not because of me, but because of His great love. What an awesome God we serve!

(Written on Jan 27 at noon local time)

The Adventure in Christ

2006-01-25T12:03:00.001-05:00

The Lord is my Sheperd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul... - Pslam 23:1-3

Well, I am packing my bags and preparing to go back to Maui. I've been praying into all the changes in every step of the way. I've been reflecting on where I've come from and the great changes God has made in my life. Of course, changes in location are the obvious things, but even the less obvious changes of heart have impacted my life more, I believe.

God led me to Psalm 23 and as I meditated on it, I realized something that I had never truly thought of before. It has been God's greatest pleasure to take me on an adventure. He loves to challenge me, but to also reward me. The rewards can look like so many different things. Sometimes it is peace, sometimes it is a new friend and sometimes it is a new location, too beautiful for my eyes to even taken in.

It is at those moments when I feel that I have no more to give that the Lord tells me it is time to take rest in Him. He just picks me up and says, "It is time to go." I curl up in His arms, close my eyes and I wake up fully refreshed, in a beautiful place, with a new set of challenges before me.

This time is not unlike that. I'm preparing for the journey ahead. I have no idea what new challenges I will face, but I know there will be many. In the next season, I will grow and change as much as, if not more than, I have this season. This is simply the adventure Christ has for me right now.

I really believe that God's will for us is to show us new things, take us on new adventures, with new challenges and new experiences. He doesn't need to take you to another country, (though He may do so for you,) He can give you an adventure exactly where you are. Consider all the adventures you have had in your day to day life in the last year. You will see how exciting our God is. God is a wild ride.

Ministering to the Lord

2006-01-18T13:42:00.000-05:00

How many of us are expecting Jesus Christ to quench our thirst when we should be satisfying Him! We should be pouring out our lives, investing our total beings, not drawing on Him to satisfy us. - Oswald Chambers

Again, it is not about us. It's about Him. I find myself often making this mistake. I wake up and go to the Lord so He can fill my need, so He can answer my prayers, offer direction and even the simple peace that is beyond my understanding. I don't often go to Him simply to minister to Him, to pour out to Him, to invest in Him.

I have a heart for worship in a big way, but that just seems a part of the interaction, not the basis for it. The basis needs to be worship. That is how I need to approach the Lord. Yes, I need to be real, raw, transparent and honest about my emotions, trials and mistakes. Yes, I need to ask for His help, but not because I want it, but because He does.

God cannot become a vending machine, where we go to Him when we are hungry or thirsty and expect to be filled. We need to go to Him because He is an awesome God, a friend, a lover, a savior and we owe Him our lives. The fullness that we receive is not the reason for the interaction, for the relationship. It is simply a benefit we receive because our adoption as His Children and our choice to press in and know Him more.

I can think of so many times, even today, when I have approached the Lord with the wrong mind set, with the wrong motive. I need to approach God as the awesome God He is.

My New Skin

2006-01-09T23:51:00.000-05:00

"The places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned." - Sarah Groves

The more time I've spent here back home in Canada, the more I have realized that this place, this old skin, doesn't fit me. In the last 6 months I have grown and changed so much. All my friends, my family and the community itself doesn't know me anymore. I cannot explain the changes in me and the depth of it scares most away.

I spend most days dreaming about the places I've been and the things I've seen in my long ago past. I dream of going back as I am now and seeing the reactions of people, of situations. I think of even spending time with those people, but I realize in that moment that I can't fit into my old skin. I don't fit with the old world.

I realize that all that I know of my life here has ended. It hasn't end in a fiery wreck as I had expected in the past, but instead in a peaceful passing on of my old self as I step into my new skin. Most days I feel as though I'm standing in the middle of yesterday, unsure of where to go, but knowing that this time has already passed. There is no where to go but forward.

So forward I go as I make preparations to leave for Maui in a few short weeks. I move on as I say goodbye to family and friends. I step into tomorrow as I shed old possessions and even old passions.

As all the deaths, it is bitter sweet to me as I say goodbye to all that I've known. Yet everyday I awake anxious to move out of yesterday and into today. A new season is upon us.

Why do I worship?

2006-01-09T00:07:00.000-05:00

I realized over the past couple days how my worship has changed. I used to worship God because of what He has done for all of us. I used to worship Him because of His grace and mercy. I used to worship Him for what He had done for me personally as well, for all the miracles in my life. Everything from the release of health problems, to the blessing of travel, of being a messager. I used to worship Him because of my joy. I used to worship Him because of the adventure in my life. I used to worship Him because of what He did for me.

Now, I can't imagine worshiping for those reasons alone. I still worship Him for His grace and mercy. I still worship him because of the great sacrafice He made for us. I still worship Him for the blessings He has given, but those things seem small compaired to the beauty of who He is. Now I worship God from relationship. I worship Him for who I know Him to be, not just for what He has done.

Everyday I am falling more in love with Him.

In the Wilderness

2006-01-06T18:55:00.000-05:00

Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. And after He had fasted forty days and forty nights, He then became hungry. And the tempter came and said to Him, "If you are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread." But He answered and said, "It is written, 'Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.' " -Matthew 4:1-4

After my DTS, I had so many options. I could go almost anywhere and do almost anything, but I knew that the Lord was telling me to go back home to Canada. More than that, He was telling me to stay with my parents. This is a place I haven't called home in quite awhile. It is a place that holds a lot of difficult memories and temptations to fall back into old coping mechanisms. To me, this is the wilderness.

Since coming here, I have had a hard time focusing during my quiet times with the Lord. I've had trouble praying and even reading the Word. Usually, I'm so excited to read the Word that I stay up late reading, get up early and find every spare moment where I'm not serving Him to read His Word. It's a heartbreak to me right now that I'm struggling so greatly with this.

I began to try in my own strength to focus and discipline myself to read, and though I still did it, it was not fufilling. Tonight as I sat down and begged the Lord to speak, He pointed me to Matthew and Jesus' time in the wilderness. The Lord again gave me the same revelation that he has given me so many times before: it is not about me.

It is by Him that I live, that I breathe. It is by Him that I serve. It is by Him that I worship. He creates my desires and also fulfills them. There is nothing that I do in my own strength. I can't depend on my own understanding to get me through this time in the wilderness, I need to depend on Him. But how?

I will follow the example of Jesus. I will fast. I will deny my flesh and depend on Him to feed me and fuel me. It is this type of denial of self that breeds a new depth to the relationship with Him. It is to live out the belief that it is not about me, that I no longer live, but He lives in me.

Walk by Faith

2005-12-23T16:04:00.000-05:00

Then I said, "Alas, Lord God!
Behold, I do not know how to speak,
Because I am a youth."
But the Lord said to me,
"Do not say, 'I am a youth,'
Because everywhere I send you, you shall go,
And all that I command you, you shall speak..."

- Jeremiah 1:6-7

Recently, I was offered an opportunity to become a youth pastor with a great church in Hawaii. At first, I was very excited about the position and I wanted to accept it immediately. I felt His voice say, "Be still."

Time has passed now and I have spent a great deal of time praying into this. With time, it has only felt like more and more of an option.

As I went to send an email to accept the position, I got a very uneasy feeling. I saved it as a draft. Over the night my feelings became doubts and fears of the flesh. I doubted my ability to do the position, because I am such a new Christian. Many other small fears came up as well. Overall, I was just unsure.

I went to the word and asked God what to read and He took me back to the verses He gave me over the last couple months, including Jeremiah 1:6-7 and 2 Tim 1:7. He spoke to me of boldness, courage, and walking by faith.

Over the last 6 months, he has taught me, through many crazy, unexpected circumstances, the meaning of truly walking by faith, sometimes even recklessly, when you hear his voice. He has taught me that fear of man is not of Him, but feeling the weight of the calling is what He desires.

Everytime I have stood to preach, I have been overcome with fear, not "Oh, what will they think?" but a real fear simply in the weight of the message, the weight of the calling. It is at that moment that I realize that it was indeed God's choice to have me infront of these people and I am speaking on His behalf. I am saying what He wants said. The simple weight of that is intense.

Though I feel this fear now, I am reminded that He is in control. Though I may stand to speak, it is Him who speaks. With this position, I still feel the fear (and I am glad I do, because it helps to keep me focused on Him,) yet I know, it is not me doing the work but Him working in me and through me.

I must walk by faith.

A Heart of Worship

2005-12-15T00:35:00.000-05:00

To know Him therefore as He is, is to frame the most beautiful idea in all Worlds. - Thomas Traherne

Some mornings, I wake up and fall to my knees. I am in such awe of the Lord and His majesty, His beauty, His love and His grace. I am in awe of our meek saviour; He is the image of power under control. I am in awe of the strength and power, yet the gentleness and compassion. I can do nothing but weep.

It is true that to know God, to truly know Him as one knows their lover is to bring to life the most beautiful idea in the world. It is to know the only perfect love that a human could ever know: the love of our God.

The days when I wake with this awareness, this focus, I am joyous and the trials I meet along my path don't even change my pace. I am indeed invinciable when I walk in the awareness of the power, the love, the grace and just the pure wonder of our God. The days when I wake and choose to wake without wonder, I find the days are longer, harder and I feel as though I am fighting a lone.

What makes the difference then? It is worship. It is taking that extra moment to stare at the beautiful picture the Lord has painted. The picture that He framed so perfectly for you. It's taking that moment to stop and say, "Yes God, you are Lord over my life, Lord over this day." It is taking a moment to say, "Thank you," with the purest appreciation for the gift of life.

The beginning of another season

2005-12-14T17:02:00.000-05:00

I thought it was about time that I found a place to share what the Lord is teaching me, where He is leading me and my struggles as I attempt to walk it all out. I regret not finding a space for this in the last six months of my life, which have been incredibly interesting.

I just returned home to Ontario, Canada from my Discipleship Training School with YWAM in Maui, Hawaii. I spent the last six months in Maui and in Indonesia learning about the Lord and sharing Him with the people of Indonesia. In that short time, I learned more about the Lord than ever before and truly dedicated my life to His calling for me.

I'm headed back to Maui in a couple short months to begin the next stage of learning that the Lord has for me. Right now, I'm in transition to the cold climate of Canada and the everyday life here. In this time I am beginning to learn how even the ordinary can be extraordinary with the Lord.

Picture: Me playing guitar on the balcony of a village house in the jungle of Indonesia.